I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder since I was 16, so 16 years now. I accepted I would have good times and bad times. I accepted I would be dependant on drugs to be okay.
What I didn’t accept was that I would get sick two years ago, to the point where it was either take drugs for my illness, and not for my bipolar disorder, or the reverse. I didn’t think I would be this sick for this long. 7 months ago, I got out of a nasty 2 year relationship. He was awful. But I tried to kill myself because if he couldn’t love me when I needed him, who could ever love someone like me. Now my “punishment” is that I have a social worker to ensure I’m not a threat to my child. But he doesn’t care about me. My child’s father uses the worker as a threat. To the point now that when I don’t do what he wants, the current threat is “have fun finding a place to live”. Until I’m not as sick, I can’t work. Since they can’t figure out what is wrong, I can’t get on disability. So I’m stuck, broke, and tired. I’m tired of being sick. Tired of fighting with everyone. Tired of my mother telling me to “suck it up” and get a job. Some days I’m stuck in bed for 18 hours, but I should suck it up and get a job.
For about a month, I’ve been beyond done. I’m really tired of fighting. Tired of trying. I’m ready to be consumed. And then my friend talked to me. He’s been there, every time I’ve fallen. Every time I felt like I was done. He held my hand, and he has gotten me this far, one day at a time. I’ll never be able to thank him when this is over. I don’t know how we will be normal friends. But right now, he’s keeping me here, until I can get the strength to do what I need to.
2 comments
I’m glad you have a friend that’s there through thick and thin and I realize it’s fucking hard to just suck it up and move on but you have to if you have a child you know that child can’t live without I hate to hear you’re facing these difficulties right at Christmas I hope it gets better if your friend has been here this far I have faith that he’ll stick by your side until the end and those are the best friends to have in life
Hey there,
I promise you this, you can make it through this time in your life. Sometimes life throws us curveballs, and they’re often hard to hit. But when we hit them, we can nail it out of the park.
My life hasn’t always been easy. I have a disability. But one thing I always tell myself, is I can make it. I’ll take one day at a time, pray to god, and push myself to keep going. It’s not easy, and more times than I want to admit, do I want to let everrything end, but I keep going. And I know you can too, I promise.
Your friend sounds very special. If you keep him in your life, that will help, I guarantee. But I think you know this already, so I have said nothing new here.
Email me if you would like to chat: brl.cents@gmail.com