i relapsed again today, to be fair i haven’t been doing good at all lately but id gone a few days with ought doing it and i was hoping i would have enough will to keep it going for a bit. especially because i need to let myself heal, me and my family are going on vacation in a few days and that always increases the risk that they’ll see my scars. and that means another type of relapse that i care not to take part in.
i feel like its the only thing i really have to keep myself under control. i mean, i’m slowly loosing my composure anyways but this makes it way easier to deal with when i’m in a crisis and it feels like the only option i have to continue about my day, or life really. and nobody checks on me anymore so i can get away with it pretty easily. i’ve been able to hide it for years and it looks like my facade is mending from my family’s discovery a few months ago.
its hard to explain how or why i feel such a need to do this to myself. i should probably research the different reasonings for this state of mind. but if i had to put it in words it feels like i need to do it. like i have to, to stay alright, be better, whatever it is i feel an urge to do it. sort-of like a suicidal urge, all i know is that it’ll end what i’m feeling and in the moment thats really enough for me. the only thing different about the urge to end my life is that well, 1) i’m better at controlling that one. and 2) my wrists are waiting in so much anticipation to be split open that they almost ache when i get really bad. theres usually not enough time for my skin to get to that point before i just rip open the skin. self-harm is a part of me now all i want is to stop. i want something else to take its place.
21 comments
I’ve been relapsing lately too. 158 cuts in five days- idk what it is about Winter but it always throws me for a loop. I’m so sorry you’re in this too- I wish I could take the urge from you. And I wish I had some badass, inspirational something to give you now. But I don’t, and for that, I’m so sorry. I hope you do find something to replace it. I know it sounds stupid, but competitive baking or some shit really does help. I’m sorry 🙁
You should have come here and let me hold your hand.
a hand to hold would’ve been really nice, thank you for offering yours it means a lot.
hey, you’re fine child you don’t have to apologize. i just appriciate your concern and i wish i could take your urge away from you too. wouldn’t that be nice? if you could just have it be taken away, like it was never there. thats asking for too much i guess. oh well, the damage has been done regardless. and i wish you the best of luck this winter, i’m sorry its always so hard for you the worst part is when you feel like you cant get out. alright, i’m rambling. try to stay safe for me friend
I’m sorry that you have to go through this. I don’t self harm anymore, but i used to and… yeah the urges get uncontrollable at times. You say that you want something else to take it’s place… have you looked for alternative things that replace the feel that you get when you cut? i remember some posts some months ago about that, and there were a few people that said that some coping techniques worked at least to keep the cutting urges at bay (i can’t remember which atm, but it’s worth looking into i guess). I do hope your vacactions go without problems.
Running until exhaustion. shredding on a guitar. listening to screamo.
snapping rubber bands works best for me so far, hitting things or singing songs really loudly. i should explore some more though, see if anything works better
@hazy day summer thanks amigo
I have relapsed with cutting as well but my friend told me this the other day “I like scars they tell a story yours will tell the story about how you went through life even when you didn’t want to but you fought and made it through” but I must say unlike mine your body is attractive even with those cuts so don’t you ever let anyone make you feel like those mark who you are and don’t you ever let anyone tell you or make you feel that you’re unattractive with them
Sounds like a loving friend.
ive actually had someone tell me something similar before too. i felt a bit sick at first because i knew my life story was written in the scar tissue of my stomach but now im more accustomed to it and i think its a really beautiful sentiment. also thank you for the compliments regarding my body, i cant promise anything but i will try to hold my ground. i can say that for sure.
The smiley bandaids are a nice touch.
The smiley bandaids are a nice touch.
That’s a pretty amazing friend right there, not many understand the cutting or are fine with it, unless they do it themselves. That said… i just have to point out (sorry), those red reindeer pants are amazing, lol.
I was thinking that to
cracking the fuck up here.
I LOVE THEM SO MUCH I KNOW, also yeah shes great and extremley empethetic to this sort of thing im very greatful
I relapsed recently to only thing I did different this time was taking a razor to my knuckles that way I could just blame the cuts on work.
im so sorry it came to get you too @bluemonkey, i hate how hopeless relapse makes me feel. how long had you been clean?
I was 3 days away from it being a year. I hate the hopelessness it gives also it makes me hate myself more.
damn you were doing great. that would be awful to loose all that progress. i know, relapse is probably the worst times for my self esteem