For all things wonderful, for family, for gift giving and gift receiving. For eating too much and drinking too much. For laughing with others and enjoying ourselves.
Yet why during this time do I year after year research ways or attempt to kill myself. I understand it’s a tough time of year. However I can’t say anything specific happened this time of year. I just can’t keep up with the joyfulness I feel the pressure to be a part of. The rest of the year I can hide away and blend in if I feel like crap, but people seem to notice a lot more this time of year. Like its a crime to be sad or something.
I hate being noticed. I hate anything that involves people looking at me.
I am so down. So dark. I drive with a blank stare not even belonging in a space that is my own.
I feel constantly vulnerable. And constantly tired.
But added to this is an added despair. This intense desire to be dead. The pain does not bother me. I’m just unsure I can be in my head much longer.
2 comments
This time of the year is one of the worst for so many people. I was kind of surprised when my friend at police told me that Christmas is actually one of the busiest days in year because so many bad things happen. Many of us are already on the edge and all the “happiness” we are suppossed to feel right now can be the last push. I would love to dissappear from all of this and be alone. Close all doors and wait out the season in solitude.
Romanticide- Im in my own head all the time. What is something that u like?