I think they are a waste of time unless you have very specific grievances to name. Nevertheless, I caved in and wrote one so maybe my dad won’t feel as bad…
“I know you love me, but you can’t force someone to stay alive just to make yourself (any of you) feel better. This did not happen because I need to take more antidepressants. No, it’s not because I need more vitamin D. No, it’s not entirely about Bryan. NO, this was not a rash decision I would take back. Do you know the lyrics to the M*A*S*H theme song?
Thru early morning fog I see
visions of the things to be
the pains that are withheld for me
I realize now I can see
Suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please
I’ve had that song on my computer since I was… 15 I think. There are more verses to it. It helped me so much; made me calmer and less afraid because I knew there was a way out. If I grew too miserable, or hopeless, or just tired of it all like I am now, I wouldn’t be forced to bear the unbearable. Making this decision wasn’t saddening, it was exhilarating.”
4 comments
17/18 was not so long ago for me that I’ve forgotten the total immolation of spirit that your age is capable of ushering in with the precision and callousness of Treblinka circa 1941. I get that. I get how the overwhelming tide of human emotion is all just so far beyond fathomable, that the very notion that you could somehow bear it seems profoundly heinous and absurd- and I am painfully altogether too familiar with the fact that sometimes it’s not so much the emotion that compels you so hastily towards oblivion..it’s the lack thereof, a feeling so atrociously wretched that the mere thought of shirking your mortal coil tints your world a rosier shade of grey. Life
Sorry. I hadn’t finished my thought. I accidentally pressed ‘post’. After carefully and respectfully considering your point of view….I feel it might be a bit skewed ..Your father is not ruthlessly pressing you to jump on the bandwagon of life for some sort of egotistical gratification or self serving agenda. He wants you to flourish in life because your happiness and well being are exponentially more precious than his own, and in the spaces between your words I can divine that there is no burden to heavy, no sacrifice too great , no price too high that he would refuse to shoulder it in the name of your well-being. Your death, by any harbinger, would imprison him in a sempreternal hair shirt
No one can live solely for another, and people egregiously misconstrue life as a gift when in fact it is a dreadfully magnanimous responsibility that belongs solely to the individual. You are intrinsically entitlede to the liberty of death. But I implore you to soften your delivery. There is no asylum afforded to flippancy within the confines of such tragic and moribund tidings. I sincerely hope that you please I pray you don’t misunderstand my motives as being derivative of any species of emnity. I am genuinely invested in your plight. If I was a betting man I’d bet that your father can be a rick sometimes, but try softening your delivery lemme know if you ever wanna talk. Best wishes
Thank you for commenting. I had assumed I’d be invisible here like everywhere else. I shall turn 30 later this month. That is if I allow it. The truth is, from day one I have failed to flourish. I have been fighting social anxiety and depression as far back into my childhood as I can remember. I am 98% sure I have Asperger’s but here in rural U.S., in a private Catholic school no less, nobody knew what that was or even cared enough to notice I needed help. So I have fumbled my way uphill thru life for 29 years. Do you want to know where all my trying got me? Living in my parents’ townhouse while I divorce an abusive mentally ill husband and despite four years of experience at work I get replaced and demoted to $9 an hour. Trying has gotten me nowhere. I’m not pretty enough to strip. I shall not try and see how it turns out.
Sorry, that just came out. I understand my father only truly wants to see me happy but that is not possible. If he could find and buy a secluded cabin somewhere for me so I would never have to interact with another human maybe… But how would I get my own food? No, it is not possible. I’ll make the beginning of my letter less harsh. Thank you.
If you ever want to talk try 7 cups of tea website