Late Night Thoughts

I’ve been having more suicidal thoughts than usual lately, and I’ve actually been thinking of ways I would want to go if I ever decide to off myself. Cutting isn’t an option; I’m too scared to harm myself, plus that would be extremely painful and messy. Hanging myself is off the table too, since I’d probably never work up enough nerve. My thoughts have been drifting towards drowning more often than not. I think that would be the best way to go for me. Although, I am terrified of the ocean/any body of water, I think I could make an exception. It would be easier than swallowing a ton of pills, or pulling a trigger. Now I’m not saying I’m planning on killing myself, because I’m not that far gone, and I really hope I don’t get to my last breaking point. The one major thing that’s holding me back is that I am 100% afraid of dying. I’m a walking contradiction.