At work now. I’m vacillating between being self-destructive and driving myself closer to the edge, or just hanging on and playing everything by ear, day by day. I sort of just don’t care. Some days I do, other days I don’t. But I really cannot ever see myself being ‘happy’ or moderately content with myself in any capacity. I have such low self esteem lol.
I know that I’m probably not ready to neck myself just yet, simply because I still care about certain things and certain people.
I’m either going to, erm, save up my money and potentially go travelling (which would be me hanging on) or I’ll stay around a little longer, work as much as I can and save up, then pay my dad back and try and pay off his mortgage, and then neck myself.
People don’t really… care. And I know that I’m not a special snowflake, and that I’m guilty of it too. But for instance I phoned up a helpline, just to vent, and had built up a habit of doing it every day because I was lonely and sad as fuck. And I talk a lot sometimes. After a two minute diatribe, I asked the guy on the other end a question. No response. I assumed then that he’d completely zoned out. To be fair, he’s only human. So I just ended the call. Been around the block, tried Reddit but relationships with people on there always tend to fizzle out pretty quickly. Went to a support group, didn’t find it that useful because it only scratched the surface. Only 4 sessions. On a long waiting list for therapy, which isn’t even guaranteed to help, and was told to go to A&E if I feel suicidal. I get that the system is under pressure, but that’s a fucking band aid.
And the people who you think would care, they don’t either. That they couldn’t even feign interest.
Idk. I know it works the other way around, and that I should reach out, and that there’re limits to what any one person can do to help but I just feel so detached sometimes.
Might try playing guitar again. But fuck me, everything is so boring. I know I’m probably not ready to die because I imagine myself standing on a cliff edge and hesitating, because it’s the end and there’s no chance of a retcon. Hope I die in the most obnoxious way possible, like struck by lightning or crushed by a piano. Would be neat.
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The first (and only) time I ever called a suicide hotline, they actually put me on HOLD.
I couldn’t believe it.
I never called back.
You mentioned you might travel; where would you go?
Someplace tropical?
The mountains?
An ocean cruise?
Toyed with the idea of going somewhere nice on a one-way ticket and getting lost. It’s not easy to just disappear and cut all ties 🙁
Mountains would be nice. Kills two birds one with stone. Not sure about a cruise… Seems a bit tacky in my head, plus sea sickness. Not sure about that. But walk-the-plank is a plus. Where I am currently, it’s winter atm. Freezing. Awful, and all I want to do is wear shorts. I really prefer spring and summer.
I completely went off on a tangent. Sorry. Palace of Versailles, Venice, Egypt, Mostar in Bosnia & Herzegovina, New Zealand, Australia, Mongolia, Canada, the US, China. The moon would be nice too. But I feel like I don’t really care right now at all. No interest. Thanks by the way for asking. You didn’t have to do that. I talk too much.
I’m sure volunteering to answer calls for helplines isn’t an easy job, but everytime I called, it never really felt like they cared. I was hyper aware of the idea that they were just following procedure, and employing ‘active listening’ on me, repeating what I’d said in the form of a question. But there’s always a line they draw for obvious reasons. I guess having a therapist, or anyone, who seemed more invested in you as a person is what I’m getting at. Helplines always just had a bandaid effect; as soon as I hung up, I went back to feeling like shit.
I was on night shift in a maximum security prison and I was manning a watchtower, I was sitting in my chair with my .38 Smith & Wesson revolver fully loaded, hammer back and barrel under my chin, squeezing the trigger. I phoned Lifeline and when I mentioned wanting to shoot myself because of a lifetime of being humiliated and degraded over my penis size, the woman from Lifeline laughed at me and told me to call back later as there was nobody qualified to deal with me.
She actually laughed at you? It’s not thta I don’t believe you. It’s just sometimes hard to believe people like this exist, which is maybe an indication of how naive I am. It’s not that I don’t think it’s a potentially valuable resource, but it’s so fucking limited. It sometimes irks me when people tell you to phone helplines or that someone cares, because… idk, I suppose it’s sad for them to see someone else suffer. But if I look at it from a clinical point-of-view, if I ceased to exist, without leaving a shitstorm in my wake, people wouldn’t necessarily be better off for it but they wouldn’t be worse off. I find it difficult to buy into the idea that everyone is special in their own way.
I think it’s just that penis size has always been a socially acceptable form of insult and topic of jokes. I don’t know if she didn’t believe me or she just thought it was funny that I had a tiny penis and wanted to kill myself because of a lifetime of being humiliated about it. It didn’t surprise me as I’ve had Doctors and nurses laugh at me numerous times plus the thousands of prostitutes I’ve been with so I was half expecting ridicule.
I read through some of your posts on your blog, just out of curiosity. Our experiences are probably quite different, though the fear and feeling of rejection is probably there. I won’t say “Oh, I know what you’re going through,” because that just sounds like forced bullshit to me. And I feel very uncomfortable doing that. I don’t have a large penis. It’s probably average/slightly smaller than average. I’m gay. I’ve felt like I should always be the receiving partner. I couldn’t imagine ever asking someone I was involved with in a relationship to give me oral or something like that.
Honestly, most of my self-esteem issues revolve around my face, more than my body, to the extent where I had surgery. I’m a faker, and a bit of a weak person for letting it get to me. But I felt as if I couldn’t move forward. I can’t ever see myself being in a ‘happy’ or ‘loving’ relationship because I’m not sure I’ll ever get over my low self-worth. When you’ve been conditioned by either your own or others’ behaviour, it’s hard to see how it couldn’t go wrong. I recently turned 22, so you have quite a few years’ experience on me. Never really had a relationship. I’ve never had anyone ask me out, for any number of reasons. You’re a little braver than me in that you tried though.
I don’t know about you, but I always used to think “There’re 7 billion people out there. There has to be someone.” Naive. It’s not pity, even if it comes off like that, but I’m really fucking sorry that people don’t give you a chance. Even I’ve been guilty of it, I’m sure. Not making penis jokes, but… judging somebody on something irrelevant like their appearance. Not to say I was a bully. It’s really disheartening to see how insensitive and inconsiderate people can be. I’ve never thought you had to be a mind reader to have some sort of compassion for other people.
I’ve accepted rejection from all the prostitutes I have been with because I’ve convinced myself that it doesn’t matter because I am paying them to be with me but I have never even allowed myself to go on a date. I actually fear how I might react if I was in love with someone and they were supposed to love me and they, for whatever reason, let loose with the small penis insults. I think I would be affected much more if I was humiliated by someone I cared for. So I’ve decided to never have any relationships. I don’t claim to know what is best for others as some people seem to accuse me of but I know what is best for me and if I were to have a relationship, I’d constantly feel inferior to all my partners previous lovers and I would feel like I was making them suffer by not being able to give them what their previous partners did. It’s not that I am deciding what is best for others but simply what I know would be best for me and that is to remain single for life.
I think it’s much easier to overcome negative perceptions when they are only your own views, rather than constant negative reinforcement from many others. If I had thought my penis was too small but no woman ever mentioned it and I could have successful intercourse, then it would be easier to overcome those negative self-thoughts. All my negativity comes from a negative reaction from every woman I have ever been with, which to me confirms all my beliefs especially when I can’t even have intercourse.
I too used to think there was someone out there for everyone but with all the negative experiences I have had I find people speak the truth when they don’t fear hurting anyone’s feelings. I’ve had numerous women interested in me over the years but I would always wonder what their true unbiased feelings were about penis size, so I’d ask them and they would always say it didn’t matter.
Then I’d send them a photo of my micro penis asking then what they would do if they took a guy home and found he had a micro penis. Most had never heard of a micro penis and every woman was either disgusted or repulsed by the photo or they would burst out laughing saying they never knew a penis could be so small. They would go on to insult the guy in the photo saying things like, he should never expect any woman to touch something so disgusting or the guy who owns that tiny penis should never expect any woman to tolerate that as it would never satisfy anyone.
These were their real thoughts that they expressed because they had no fear of hurting anyone or offending anyone. I’d then tell them we shouldn’t bother going out as the photo was of my micro penis and obviously it was a problem. They all became angry stating that I had set them up but all I did was to give them the opportunity to express their true feelings. If I had not done this and started dating them only to find out later they had been complaining to their friends about how small I was and how unsatisfied they were, then I’d be regretting not knowing their true feelings beforehand.
If your self-esteem issues are about your face then you have a huge advantage by knowing that any guy who approaches you does not have a problem with your face. I really don’t think anyone is weak by letting our self-esteem issues get to us when you consider the environment we grow up in. It’s constantly drummed into us that we have to look a certain way, weigh a certain weight and have specific body measurements before we are considered acceptable to society.
I feel you on the inferiority thing, sort of. The fear and the circular thought processes in my head, about feeling that either people are better (and there’s always someone ‘better’ out there), or that I’m just not quite good enough to make things work or for anyone to hang onto, makes it difficult. And I suppose, like you, I don’t want to subject anyone else to that when it’s my problem.
I’m not perfect at all. Not a saint, by any means. I don’t like hurting people’s feelings, but I also think being honest is important. Did none of them think to ask you about it when the topic of penis size/micropenises came up? I’m still a little shallow to some degree, but I was ‘worse’ a while back. I was only ever really interested in Abercrombie & Fitch-esque guys. Then I met a guy . Intially, I figured he wasn’t my type, didn’t think he was particularly good-looking (perhaps an indication of how big-headed I possibly was?), but didn’t say anything and kept going because I really liked him still. I did tell him later on about how I’d felt which, in hindsight, might not have been wise. And I’m not sure if it’s because I have a propensity for emotional dependency or if my feelings are actually ‘valid’, but I feel very strongly for him. I wish someone would’ve done the same for you.
Almost all of my sexual encounters have been through Craigslist or online hookups. You just exchange pictures of your face/body/dick. Generally don’t get a reply if, for whatever reason, you’re not up to their standard. Or you’re not their type. And I suppose that’s where some of my negative feelings come from, because no reply seems tantamount to rejection on the grounds that you’re just not up to par with the ‘average’ good-looking, white gay guy. Maybe there’ve been people who’ve been interested but haven’t said anything, but only… two to three people have ever come up to me irl to express interest. Granted, it’s a bit more difficult given that you can’t really determine someone’s sexuality and most people don’t want to offend but whatever.
I accept that everyone has different tastes, likes and dislikes and I prefer that everyone is honest with me and I find that most women who have some feelings for you will lie to save your feelings and put themselves in a situation they would rather not be in. I know that if any woman was given a box of body parts and told to build her perfect guy that she is not going to choose the micro penis when it comes time to choose her preferred ideal males genitals and that’s fine. They would be crazy to select genitals that were not functional but given the situation that they have feelings for me first then they tend to want to be politically correct and don’t want to appear shallow and don’t want to offend me so they pretend it doesn’t bother them. I don’t want to be tolerated. If I am not what they would choose if they didn’t know me then I’d prefer they were honest.
If you are only interested in a certain type of guy, you shouldn’t feel bad about that. Everyone has they likes and dislikes but you have to accept that you may not be their type either when you do find the perfect guy for you. I think it would be wrong to change what you were looking for just to save some guys feelings and not be fully committed to the relationship. If you were only tolerating someone just to save their feelings and would really prefer a different type of guy then you are not being honest to them or yourself. This is why I have such a need to know a woman’s true feelings. I don’t want her to lie to herself and to me.
Every sexual experience I have ever had has been with prostitutes and every experience resulted in me being humiliated and degraded. After 30 years of humiliation I have now developed a humiliation perversion. I have lost all sexual attraction to the naked female body because conventional sex has never worked.
Just because you don’t get a reply does not mean there are not guys out there too afraid because they feel they don’t measure up in some way. Everyone has different tastes and some guy who you find attractive may feel he is not in your league and is very hesitant to contact you. Everyone is different. I’m sure you will find someone.
I have days when I can accept it, which is to say I feel… ‘likeable’ in some sense. Sometimes, I feel alright, as if I can cope, and I think to myself “It really isn’t quite so bad as I’ve made it out to be. I’m just dramatic.” And then I lapse again and am reminded, I guess, that it’s worse than I think, which leaves me confused as to what’s true for me and what isn’t.
I’ve always wondered about people who have suffered some form of discrimination yet who also engage in it. We obviously don’t know each other very well, but you seem genuinely nice. I mean, you come off as very accepting and understanding given… everything.
Also, I hate political correctness. It’s obnoxious and, in my opinion, obstructive at least in the context of political debates.
Hope you feel better soon mate 🙂