Accepting Your Pain, Letting Go of Your Dreams

Trying to be happy and supportive for someone you care about when you’re just broken inside and watching them live the dreams you’ve always wanted to reach is such a test of your kindness and acceptance. When you know your dreams are going under-appreciated, you don’t have the ability to reach them, and it’s just handed to someone who doesn’t even know how much it pains you to see them there where you should be, your heart just shatters.
You bite your lip to keep them from knowing you hate them inside. You crawl into bed early and force yourself to eat when you’re no longer hungry so that you don’t end up crying yourself to sleep. You break down and cry anyways and as the food falls out of your mouth, you begin to hate yourself and hate them less. You start to wonder where you went wrong and what you could have done differently to get to the place they are. You cry harder and start to choke on your snot draining down the back of your throat because you know it’s pointless. You can find and make every possible excuse that it’s your fault, but it’s worse knowing it’s actually not.
It’s paralyzing being aware that there was and is not a damn thing you can do to be where they are, in what you’ve defined is your place, due to the life you were born into. Money, health, education…. the things they all have that you don’t because their parents had what yours don’t. And here you are, following your parents’ life map, going down the same rigid, dark course. Despite the fact that they starved themselves so you and your siblings could eat well, they sold their most cared for belongings so that you could play soccer with the other kids in school, they wore rough clothes to their jobs so that you could wear nice outfits to class, and they worked shit jobs constantly so that your repeated hospital bills could be met, they still weren’t good enough.
They were to me then, and they still are because I know they did everything they could for me, but now I’m not good enough for my dreams because they couldn’t pay for my college or a car or a vacation. Your mind as a child wasn’t tainted with the reality that your parents’ lives actually sucked with the exception of the love they have for you, they protected you from that and you’re beyond grateful they did. However, now, at 22 years old, you begin to see that reality and comprehend that things really do come easier for some people and there’s nothing you can do about that but try your best to be the loving, generous, kind-hearted, and compassionate soul your parents raised you to be, no matter how much it breaks you.
You stand there on the porch in your white socks, just barely out of the cold puddle, and you smile and wave goodbye to the person you care so deeply for as they drive away for the night to go live your dream, thanking God for the rain. It’s a blessing that disguises your tears. The clouds darken the night sky quickly and you see this fitting, since your heart feels heavy, gray, and empty like the cold, too. Can you ever truly be happy for someone you love if you’re holding on to this pain? If you let go, can you ever become one with acceptance for the unattainable for you, and fill yourself with joy that it has become attainable for someone you love?
I’m sure it’s possible…. But, now what do I have left if I let go of my dreams?