idk whats wrong with me. no matter what i do nothing is good enough. I have a d in calc and im questioning gender again and march 15 is coming up. i planned to die two years ago on that day and fuck. everything hurts and i wanna relapse and i’ve lost all motivation to stay clean or do anything and fuck. i just want everything to be over.
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not good enough
every time a relationship starts to deepen, my brain starts to protest and makes me feel pain I can’t understand. But I think tonight, I finally understand where all this pain stems from. My excuses for running away from someone I like are “they don’t really like me in that way” or “I am not good enough for them”. If I look back to my childhood, I realize that my mom gave me mixed signals about love. I was loved if I was obedient, and I was given the cold shoulder if I disobeyed. I was not taught how to love or what real love […]
Everyone at my home attacked me today.
Why? well lets just start with my mother.
So lately she’s been really mean to me for no reason. You’re probably thinking that it must of been for something, but no no reason at all. She says things to me like “i wish i never had you”, “you are pathetic and worthless”, “you’re a female dog” etc…
And what i do is walk away or ignore her.
Ok lets move on to my father. if i try to emotionally connect with anyone is my dad but he always pushes me away. example, “i don’t want to hear it”, […]
I wish I could tell the people closest to me that I want to end it all.. I wish someone would say: “It’s okay, you can let go.”
I just want to end the pain, the sadness, the constant voice in my head saying that I’m not good enough for anyone or anything.
Last night I was told that nobody will ever love me. I believed that I was destined for love. Now I don’t believe in it anymore.
Does it make me a sinner for wanting to die??
I sit alone in my house, overwhelmed by emptiness which I must admit sounds like a strange sensation. It began in my chest and climbed its way up my throat and just sat there. The pressure is unbearable and it is a struggle to breathe. I can feel my heartbeat pounding in my head and I lay down and concentrate on my breathing. Breathing in I try and count to 9 then attempt to hold the air in my lungs for 9 seconds before breathing out slowly for 9 seconds. I read online that this was meant to help. It does to an extent. Although […]
Well…
It’s so hard to write about this. U’ll be the first people who will know the truth about me even though you even don’t know my real name.
So…When my mom was pregnant, it turned up she had MS. This cannot be cured. There is no treatment. No chance. It can only gets worse. And it gets. I was the child she was going to born. My mom had the second, healthy baby but I’d like not to be ever born. If I hadn’t be born, she would be healthy now. She could be leading a happy life with my father and sister.In the first years […]
I’ve seemed to stumble into a place where everyone tells lies to me. Those I love, those I am of service to, those I call family, my society, my government, my country, my species, and even myself. If that is not a hard concept to grasp, or even handle, I don’t know what is. We are all living in a place where it is rewarded to lie, but the moment you are caught, you pay colossal penalties. Not only does it feel like everyone is against everyone, we have decided that, as a whole, “all for one” was the best way to achieve greatness; unknowingly […]
Trying to be happy and supportive for someone you care about when you’re just broken inside and watching them live the dreams you’ve always wanted to reach is such a test of your kindness and acceptance. When you know your dreams are going under-appreciated, you don’t have the ability to reach them, and it’s just handed to someone who doesn’t even know how much it pains you to see them there where you should be, your heart just shatters.
You bite your lip to keep them from knowing you hate them inside. You crawl into bed early and force yourself to eat when you’re no […]
I am crazy in love with this guy, but we havent talked in a while.i have been in love with him since i was like 12 and ive never stopped loving him, i am 19 btw. he is in my mind all day and all night i dont know how to tell him, im afraid that im not good enough for him. im terrified that i might get hurt. but i dont think i could live without him. i dont think ill even stop loving him. no matter what other guys are in my life i cant seem to forget about him. what do i […]
Why do some people have to go threw life with “not good enough” stamped on there forehead?
I was hanging in the bathroom by my neck 20 min ago and my legs went numb. I wasnt strong enough, so I let my self down. I’m a 23 year old women and I’m in college. I am very alone. I don’t like to express myself emotionally because I tried it before but no one understood me. Sometimes I wonder if there’s anyone out there who feels like no one in the world understands you- who feels alone. I don’t know where to go or where to turn. I feel suffocate- stuck in a corner- always pretending everything is alright. But I’m tired and […]
I try not to but how can that occur. Im old i missed out on life and i want to die. I try to give myself hope sometimes i even succed. But death would be better. Depression is cureless in people who have had it their entire lives. People who have had useless pain filled lives. I cant look forwards or backwards in my life without seeing pain. I cant look at my current life wit out seeing pain. Without being told by life that loneliness and depression is all i deserve and that im not good enough for more than pity maybe. Some days […]
This week has been completely terrible for me but then again everyday is kinda bad for me. I’ll always be able to find something to make me more upset than i already am. I’ve been thinking more than i usually do on a daily basis. I’m 16 right now and a sophomore in high school. everyone’s is telling me that i need to make a decision about what Im going to do in the future. What classes I should take to benefit my future, what college i need to go to. what career I am interested in and etc. there’s only one profession I’m interested […]
trying to find some hope in either to succeed in dying or getting over it
by Varisha
written by Varisha
I recently broke up.. and its my 2nd break up n in both relationship’s I was very serious.. when I had my 1st breakup my friend , helped me to get over it.. and I fell for him.. and also he lykd me so he took great care of me n helped a lot to move on.. and eventually I started lying him and loving him.. I don’t knw whether it was wrong or right.. I loved him.. and I loved him a lot.. more than I have loved anyone ever.. but he left.. even though he knew I would be devastated, he knew how broken […]
My doctor thinks I might have an endocrine disorder since my hormones are somewhat off and due to some “symptoms” that I have like hirsutism, excessive sweating, and slight edema in the face. I just thought that I was a hairy person (although the facial hair is relatively new), that lamictal caused the sweating (and hot flashes), and that that was just how my face is genetically (somewhat “pudgy”). I don’t see an endocrinologist until the 14th, but she went ahead and prescribed me metformin- supposed to help regulate my hormones. When I see the endocrinologist I’ll probably have more blood work done to see if maybe […]
I failed.
I don’t mean that I’m a failure as a person or that my fiance leaving me means I’m not “good enough,” but that I failed to be the person that she wanted to be with, the person she felt she could be with. I failed to be the person she thought of as family, as someone permanent.
This is what hurts the most.
It doesn’t help that I feel like I’m the one left behind, the one who’ll take longer to recover (if ever?). She’ll go back to school this semester, taking five classes (although honestly, based on her track record, I suspect she’ll drop at […]
The sadness is a heavy weight in my chest, a deep empty feeling.
It’s better than being angry, I think, but this pain is so consuming. If I’m not actively distracting myself (and even sometimes when I am) I can just feel her absence, the loss.
I don’t want to feel this way. I’m so tired of being sad. And even worse, I think I’d be happy if my heart wasn’t broken. After ten years I finally feel like my depression is lifting, but I still feel incredibly sad anyway.
It still feels unreal, that she left. She’s my best friend- I was her best friend- and I thought […]
It’s been for some years now. That feeling of loneliness and sorrow.
Since my only best friend I’ve ever had abandoned me, I didn’t find any real friends anymore. I don’t know why, but it seems that I’m just so very different from anyone else in my class and my surrounding. People think I’m strange. They avoid me. If we need to do group work in class everyone will sit happily together with their friends and I, well, I’m just standing there trying desperately to find someone to team up with me but no one hears me.
No one is on my side and helps […]
I’m scared. I feel I’m getting close to do it. And I’m afraid. I don’t want to leave. I could have a long life. I just have to endure for more 10 months. But I can’t. It’s too much anxiety and stress. I’m starting to hear that I have to be better, I have to do more and to speak more. I’m trying but I’m not good enough and I will never be. Every criticism, every fail breaks my heart.
I went to bought one more bottle of pills, but it was sold out. I don’t know if I have pills enough to kill myself […]
for the first time in a long time I feel happy, and it’s not because of anyone but myself. I feel so empowered. I’m starting to wear my tragedies as armor instead of shackles. life is 10 % what happens to you and 90 % how you react to it. I’m tired of being sad and not feeling like I’m not good enough. I know in my heart I’m worth being saved and if no one is willing to save me I’ll become my own hero. only then can I say I made it. I’m half way there and I won’t stop until the life […]
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