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I Don’t Know

by Ylem

Why am I so honest with my psychiatrist?

I tell the truth most of the time. They ask about suicidality, and I tell the truth. I don’t want to be here anymore.

They ask about homicidal thoughts, I say yes. Forgive me but there are people I so want to kill… Slowly. Painfully. Enjoy hearing them scream in agony. Enjoy watching them suffer. I want to look deep into their eyes as the light fades from them and they suck in their last breath. I hate them that much.

I always have a smile on my face. I’m like Ted Bundy. The charming psychopath. I told the doctor it’s fake. I’m fucking depressed. The smile is a mask I wear when I’m around people.

I finally said something about the confusion I have with my sexuality. I know I’ve said I’m bisexual so many times, but I’m still not sure. I’ve never been with either a guy or a girl. But I’m attracted to both. Not sure if I’m homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, or asexual. I probably won’t ever figure it out. I’m so confused.

I’m honest about my cutting.

I should learn to lie.

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30 comments

Drowning 3/22/2016 - 1:16 pm

Hay Ylem how’s things

Ylem31 3/22/2016 - 1:33 pm

Still stuck on a hospital bed. I have my books with me. At least I’m studying, not completely useless. I might leave tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Drowning 3/22/2016 - 1:35 pm

Yeah that’s awesome unless u want to stay there how’s the studding going

Ylem31 3/22/2016 - 1:41 pm

I don’t want to be here anymore. I got a visit from my classmates. They say I should not be discharged cause I’m still a danger to myself. Apparently I have poor judgement and insight.

I know how psychiatrists work. I know what to say and what not to say.

MyNiceSuicide 3/22/2016 - 1:56 pm

Hey there
Psychiatrists bother you may be because you are young. I’m 40 so I go there, tell the truth and my therapist does not interfere.
About your sexuality: you do not have to choose. Just do whatever you want and feel it’s right. I do like that: I choose people that are attractive to me but it doen’t matter what they have inside their pants. To the others I don’t give a chance to them to ask about my private life.

Ylem31 3/22/2016 - 2:40 pm

I tell the truth as well. It felt nice being honest.
I’ll take your advice on my sexual orientation problem. I’ve realizes that I’m attracted to both male and females. I guess it’s because I’m scared of interpersonal relationships, scared of rejection and scared of being abandoned. Relationships never last these days. I’d rather not hurt myself like that and add more reason to end my life.

MyNiceSuicide 3/22/2016 - 1:56 pm

By the way…I wish you get better!

Ylem31 3/22/2016 - 1:59 pm

Thank you. I just want to get out of this place already.

whiskered-fish 3/22/2016 - 2:00 pm

My dad used to always say that he’d rather die honest than live a lie. He’s never hid his depression. Part of me wants to call that noble. After all, isn’t honesty a virtue?
I can feel you on the murder thing. I’ve never told a soul offline about it, though. I wish I had your courage. Best wishes, Ylem.

Ylem31 3/22/2016 - 2:35 pm

I’ve told someone IRL about my suicidal and homicidal thoughts. He didn’t judge. Btw, whiskered, your posts about homicide….. I often feel the same way. Only I want to murder a particular family.

sportsnut 3/22/2016 - 2:39 pm

ylem31..have you talked to your friend lately?

Ylem31 3/22/2016 - 2:44 pm

He is ignoring me. I knew I was bothering him too much. He doesn’t answer my calls or reply to my texts. He hasn’t even come to see me in hospital. I knew I was bothering him too much. His excuse was that he’s studying. I suggested we study together, he said no.
That’s the problem with being dependant on people.
He said he will always be there for me. Look how that turned out. But jeez, I miss him. I miss being myself. I’m always me when I’m around him. I don’t have to fake. I hate faking.

sportsnut 3/22/2016 - 2:52 pm

ylem31..my kaylee was the only person that i felt thAt way about fully..but i know i due time there will be other… you did the right thing by bugging him as much as you wanted.. it is his loss for abandoning you.. a true friend can not be bothered

Ylem31 3/22/2016 - 3:05 pm

I’m so sorry for your loss sports. Let’s pray your sweet kaylee is at peace.
I think I’ll still bother him. He’s a really good friend. Funny how I only got to know him last year when we’ve been in class together for 4 years.

sportsnut 3/22/2016 - 3:13 pm

i believe there is a some sort of time purpose for things ….enjoy what you have of him

Ylem31 3/22/2016 - 3:30 pm

I sure will, while it lasts. He’s leaving at the end of the year. Damn!!

sportsnut 3/22/2016 - 3:47 pm

i remember..t’will be like death..at least maybe you can prepare a bit

DarkTide 3/22/2016 - 2:40 pm

Honesty is a good thing. It means you are yourself. Plus what good will come from it. I find honest people better because you can judge them fairly.

I have been told I am to blunt. I tell people the truth and it has gotten me in trouble with that girl I keep talking about. People say I tell the truth to much.

Ylem31 3/22/2016 - 2:51 pm

My go-to friend said I’m a psychopath. I lie and manipulate people a lot, according to him. I asked him to elaborate on the lies I’ve told, since he’s the only person I’ve ever been completely honest with, he turned and said he was just joking.
He still calls me a psychopath. When I’m quiet he asks whose death am I planning.
Sometimes I’m thinking about killing him if he must know. I’ve never told him that though. Maybe I should one of these days.

I tell the good lies. You know. The “do you think I look good in these jeans” kinda lie. With the rest, I just keep my mouth shut. I’m very quiet and shy. I only speak to people when they speak to me. I have a severe case of social anxiety.

sportsnut 3/22/2016 - 2:53 pm

well do i?

Ylem31 3/22/2016 - 3:02 pm

You definitely do 🙂 They are just too tight. I think your nuts can’t breathe….

sportsnut 3/22/2016 - 3:11 pm

ha…how did you know

Ylem31 3/22/2016 - 3:26 pm

Your voice is too pitchy… And before you ask… Yes. I can hear your voice. You sound like a trapped mouse.

sportsnut 3/22/2016 - 3:49 pm

ha..generally it is quite deep and robust.. that is before today..

nepheliad 3/22/2016 - 3:08 pm

@sportsnut No, you’re wrong. Everyone needs space, and especially if you’re not dating someone, you can’t expect them to be there for you all the time. If you were in a committed, exclusive romantic relationship, you still have to give them time for themselves, and their other friends and family, not to mention work and/or hobbies.

A true friend, romantic p.artner or not, realises this and won’t try to be overly dependent. I know it’s easy to become clingy (or angry) when you think the other person is abandoning you and you feel alone, but that only pushes them further away. The best thing to do is back off and say nothing until they contact you. If they do value your friendship they will return when they feel like it.

However, if you feel they aren’t there for you as much as you need them, and you’re trying to be reasonable about it and give them space, I guess you might have to make the choice to walk away so you don’t put yourself through that pain of feeling unimportant to someone who’s your priority.

It’s not easy to find a best friend. Hell, it’s probably easier to find someone willing to go on a few dates with you than it is to find a real best friend who will stay with you through thick and thin.

@Ylem I’m sorry about your friend, but if you stay silent until he reaches out to you, perhaps he will want to be around you again.

Ylem31 3/22/2016 - 3:22 pm

I’m backing away until he comes to me. I have bothered him enough. It’s been over 2 weeks since we last sat down and have a conversation. It’s been hi’s and hey’s along the corridors. I’ll wait. No more calling. No more texting him.

sportsnut 3/22/2016 - 3:10 pm

i štand corrected forgive me

nepheliad 3/22/2016 - 3:21 pm

Sorry for that, I just personally wouldn’t want someone to think I wasn’t their friend just because I didn’t respond to their messages within a minute after they sent them, or because I didn’t want to hang out all the time. Possibly I need more space than most people do, but I do know that when I have a best friend and want to talk to them more than anyone, that I have to respect their need to be alone away from me at times.

Ylem31 3/22/2016 - 3:28 pm

Forgive Sporty there, Nepheliad. He can’t think properly. His other brain is being squashed in his tight jeans.

sportsnut 3/22/2016 - 3:45 pm

hehe yep…a lass who gets me

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