I can’t be losing it again. I refuse to go back to that fucked up, psychotic, suicidal state. At least not for another month. I need my sanity.
…My head is taking me there once again. Especially since everything is falling apart. I might just do it tonight. I have nothing to lose anyway. I have lost everything.
I don’t give a shit about anything. Nothing at all. I mean, not a flying fuck in the world. I seem to have given up on myself. On all that I’ve been working for my whole life, and I’m right about to cross the finish line. I have messed up a lot of shit. Shit I don’t even know how I’m going to rectify.
I mean right now I should be in class, but here I am, sitting in the computer lan, reading posts on here and watching a movie. I mean COME ON YOU DUMB FUCK. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER ALREADY. And I’m lying to my mom. I haven’t been to school in like two weeks. I tried to kill myself three times this week. I’m a fuck up at that too.
Ugh! What have I done with my life?!
Maybe there is just one thing good that I’ve done. Come on Ylem be positive for a change!! I went to church…yew. Ylem and church. I get chills just thinking about it. Ma dragged me there. But the guy there spoke some sense and it was as if he was speaking to me directly. Not preaching. It was more like a motivational speech and shit.
I’ve made it this far. It’s been a long and hard road, but I’m here. I’m still here. I woke up this morning, dragging myself out of bed. Actually… Ma dragging me out of bed. God that lady loves me. She already had a bath ready for me. Was making me breakfast and my lunchbox. We fought yesterday. I cried. We cried. We talked. I apologized because I was in the wrong. I cut and she saw and got mad and wanted to take my phone away blah blah blah… But I love her. She loves me. So much. So so so so much. God damn that woman fucking loves me. Not just me. All of her babies. All eight of us. Equally. And she takes good care of us. All of us. What can I say, I’m a mama’s *****. When I’m in a pain, the voices in my head screaming and making my head hurt like a son of a ***** and I’m crying, I shut my ears hard and yell Mama! So yah. That’s that.
Anyway… I still got no motivation whatsoever. At least I’m not motivated to tie a knot either. So I’m hanging around for a while. Pun very much intended
Where was I even going with this? I got no frickin idea. I’ve never made a post like this. A part of me is sad and one is happy and giddy and shit… I’ll stop there.
Ylem Fucking Out!!
For fucks sake, I’m not even good at killing myself. I’m a good for nothing piece of shit.
My parents are fucking annoying me. Watching me like I’m a fucking prisoner. I want to die for shits sake. They are making things very hard for me. I swear they even follow me to the bathroom. Keep me in the bedroom. And I’m sleeping on the floor on a mattress in their bedroom. The Fuck!
For the past two nights I’ve been trying, but they always get in the way. I’ll give it another shot tonight. I will have to pretend I’m better so the security loosens up a bit and I can finally do this. I can’t even cut in peace. Fuck my life!!
I’m dying tonight. A day I’ve been waiting for over 10 years. I’m finally going to die.
Goodbye fucked up world. I’m going to ebjoy burning in hell.
They have taken full control. I try to reach out for help but my entire family insults me for trying. They say some horribl things about me. They don’t care anymore. I guess I have been too much of a nuicance they have had enough of me.
I doubt this week will end with me still among the breathing. I don’t want to be here anymore.
You know you are no longer wanted when your parents tell you to go kill yourself.
Twenty cuts. The blood is beautiful. And I’m not done.
I’VE MISSED MY BLADES
Im fucked up. I’m losing sense of reality. All that is inside me does not want to be here. I am always in fantasy land until someone disturbs me and brings me back to this hell. I hate being alive. I can’t take anymore of this shit
I can’t breathe. I feel like the walls are closing in around me. Thoughts are racing in my head.
I can’t take this anymore.
Every damn day is a struggle. I want out. I can’t take the pain anymore.
The pain won’t go away. It’s crippling. I can’t stop crying. When will this ever end? When will I feel alive? All that gives me peace are thoughts of my death. The only thing that numbs the pain.
How long must I suffer like this? When the hell will I be free?
Can I just die already. I can’t take this shit.
I know I’m really depressed when I can’t even drag myself out of bed. I’ve been in bed all day today. I didn’t go to school. Gave my mother a lame excuse and she finally left me alone.
The only thing that brings me comfort is thoughts of my death. I want it now. But I can’t have it now. Sucks.
I want out.
Been a while. Shit has been happening.
I’m the most negative person I know. I mean, things should be better. I should be feeling better. I should be happy. I am happy, I think. But… There is always a but.
There are voices in my head. Sometimes they are completely quiet, other times it’s like they are screaming. Shouting. Yelling. Even with all the yelling, I can always hear one clearly. End it. End it. It always whispers. Even when all the others are silent. It’s always there. End it.
A month ago the voices got really intense. I was completely psychotic. I can barely even remember the things I did and said. But I did and said a lot of shit. I tried to kill myself multiple times. Stupid methods of course. And I apparently told my entire family about my suicide attempts. All of them. I told them about my self-harm. When it started and why I do it. Told them about my plans to die soon. My parents decided not to take me to the psych ward around that time. I was on suicide watch at home. I still am. I’m always on suicide watch. Always inspected for new cuts and shit…
I should be happy. Why am I not?
Even with all this shit, I’m still passing my classes. I don’t even know how that is happening but it is. Only two months before I get my degree. I know where I’ll be working next year. A lot of good shit is happening, but I still don’t feel okay.
I am nothing but trouble. I hurt the people I care most about.
Angry at a certain someone, but still feel okay.
Here’s what a supposed friend of mine said to me a few days ago. Since I’m an internalizer as my therapist calls it, it keeps playing over and over in my head and pissing me off all over again.
I used to feel so sad for you and your family. I’d pray for you guys, for God to comfort you and give you strength. Until I realized you don’t want to get better. Now I feel so sad for your mother, for all she is going through because of your “illness”.
You strike me as one person who loves and enjoys what you going through. One who doesn’t want to get better. You are so negative. You cannot want to get better and still be as negative as you get. You know people who want to get better, people who are suffering. You are hindering that process. The process of getting better.
Shouldn’t your Mom be the one experiencing most difficulty? She is his mother after all. Your sisters. Your father. Why you?
Your negativity is draining. It has to come to an end. You have to accept. Everyone at home has. (As if the ***** knows what has been going on in my household.) I really just don’t like your negativity.
I can’t even help you. I only know the bible way. God’s way. That’s the only help I can offer.
I saw your emails to your people. (My people being my friends on SP. ***** went through my emails.) Who are you trying to fool?
You don’t need God. You can do this on your own. So you got this girl. You brave. I don’t know how I’d get through life challenges without God. You are brave to actually rely on your own strength. You got this girl. Don’t let anyone bring you down. You are a shame. You are failing on your own. Why not give it all to God? Please. Try someone else who has a softer spot for you. Its a wicked world out there. A little advice here and there.
I won’t offend you or mock you. I wanna help you.
Ylem is pissed. I’m still okay in general. Still happy. But I’m fucking pissed.
Ylem is going to fuck a ***** up. Seriously. I’m going to kill this *****.
I’m an internalizer. This keeps playing over and over again in my head. I can’t let it go. I won’t let it go.
It takes a few words to push someone over the edge. I kept quiet long enough listening to all these judgemental remarks from her. For months. I cried. She made me cry right before an exam. It’s time I showed her just what kind of rachet ghetto ***** Ylem can actually be. I will fuck her up, I swear.
Yes. I’m okay.
I can finally breathe. Exams are over. 2 rotations down, 4 more to go.
I feel… Alive.
No cutting needed. Haven’t made a cut in over 2 months.
Suicide thoughts… What is that again?
I’m moving on. I’m moving forward. Ylem is getting her life back on track and I couldn’t be happier.
I’ll make a proper update when I’m not as busy. Just wanted to pop in, say hi and see how all of you have been doing.
Keep smiling peeps.
Ylem is out!!
I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I would do anything to get your forgiveness.
Well… I’ve tried everything.
We all make mistakes. Just one stupid comment and you shut me out.
I’m really sorry. So very sorry.
I won’t bother you anymore. But know… I valued your friendship. I ruined it. I ruined everything. I’m such a fuck up.
I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry.
It feels so nice to say these words and actually mean them.
I just came out of the psych ward today. It wasn’t bad in there. I met a few souls whom I spoke to and connected with on a very different level.
I know I’d been saying all along that the one thing I feared most was being admitted there and being seen by my classmates. But when I was there, I actually didn’t give a fuck. I was there to fix myself.
I’ve made a decision. This is a very serious and important decision for me and I hope I stick to it. No more attempts for me. I’ve played around with pills, knives and a rope long enough. I’m putting them all down.
My family takes priority. I know I should say ‘I’ take priority, but I feel I’m not deserving of life. I have this life to better their lives. When I will actually say I want to live for me? I don’t know. Do I want that day to come? Idk.
I feel free. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I need to thank someone for this.
Mr Angry… Thank you. I don’t know how you’re doing with all the shit you’re carrying for me. But thank you.
I can breathe again. My head is clear. Suicide thoughts are still there, but not as intense. They are right at the back of my mind. Pain is still there, but I can see something beautiful beyond it.
I feel alive again. I don’t feel like a Zombie anymore.
I’m not sure where to from here. I guess right now I should take things slowly. Go easy on myself. The most important thing for me right now is studying for an exam I have in 2 weeks time. I’ve already missed about 2 weeks of school. I have a lot of catching up to do. But I believe in myself. I truly believe that I can make it. I’ll put in as much effort without over-exerting myself.
I CAN STILL DO THIS!!!
I hate April.
Someone please, beat me till I’m numb. Strangle me… Fucking shatter every bone in my body…
I can feel the pain. The memories flooding my head all at once. I overthink things but this is too much. My thoughts are racing. It feels like last year… Last year’s events are slowly playing out in my head…
I still remember what happened on each day of April. From the first till the 30th. I fucking hate this.
Someone please save me from myself!!!
This is Ylem the Masochist speaking. And no… Not in a sexual way…
I want to strangle myself until I’m blue. Deprive myself of oxygen. That is just the beginning.
I need a whip. Scourge myself to the brink of dead. See flesh peeling off and blood pouring. Beat myself up like a fucking animal that I am.
I want to cut open my veins and watch the blood pour out. Feel dizzy and drained from all the blood loss.
I’m not done.
Bang myself against the wall until I have a concussion and collapse.
To top it all of. Plunge a knife in my gut and hold my intestines in my hands.
Stab my throat straight through the carotid and watch the blood spurt out.
All I want is to feel pain. Physical pain would be so much better than the emotional turmoil.
I fucking hate people. I hate the entire fucking human race, including myself. I think I hate myself more.
I deserve nothing but pain. I deserve to suffer.