A month ago it was decided. One day I would kill myself, it was the only logical solution to the constant suffering of existence. In complete rejection of my own health, and because weed just didn’t do it anymore, i dropped half a gram of mdma.
It changed my life, I felt love towards everything around me for the first time in years. It felt as if this weight had been lifted and i was floating and everything around me was floating and it was all good. I was beautiful and everyone was beautiful. I took a long look at myself and though about how I was holding myself back from being happy, i realized I’d been angry for years and that my route to happiness was through embracing living.
I went home and crashed for a couple of days as my body recovered and opened up to my family about how shit everything had been but how i was gonna change. I had no desire to do drugs or escape reality, it felt good just being with the only people who loved me.
And now im sitting here after getting drunk alone for the first time since that night. I’ve slowly been slipping back to my old self, reclusive, depressed and I’m afraid. Im fighting the urge to get wasted again but its the only way to keep these thoughts out.
Is this going to be the rest of my existence?
6 comments
Hay I used to do the same I smoked weed everyday then that stopped working then I started drinking everyday and that stopped working to it not a good idea to go down that route
I was just about to catch some sleep and then I saw your post. I struggle with substance abuse. If you can stay away from drugs I would recommend it. I find mama and acid are wonders as they make life so solvable in the moment your on them but they are dangerous and only recommend a couple times a year. I got released from prison into a rehab as part of my release conditions and I found out a lot of useful information if you do seek advice I would be happy to chat. I myself am a daily weed smoker for the most of it but am trying to stop wasting my money on buds as I never have enough money to stay high 24/7. My main advice would be to find happiness within yourself because drugs don’t truly make you happy forever, just momentarily.
Mdma *
Sorry auto correct made me type mama instead
I battle drinking daily. Pouring myself into a bottle just seems so much easier than dealing with my existence. My heart goes out to you, I hate to say this but why not just drop some mdma again?
“Pouring myself into a bottle” – great way of putting it.
Chancey, Can’t comment , i drink every day, it helps me, been doing it for years, like pills, pot, drinking takes the edge off.