Life ruined by 40 years old

March 14th, 2016by mountaingoat

Hi everyone, I notice a lot of people who post here are quite a bit younger than 40…

Anyways, Im a guy who developed mental illness in my late teens, depression, anxiety, that sort of thing.  I struggled through life somehow to this point, getting married, had 2 kids, along the way I developed alcoholism…it started as an attempt to kill the anxiety but got out of control…my wife left me, I lost my home and everything I owned.  A couple years later I sought treatment and quit drinking, but still have the mental problems.

Finally last week, I got fired and blacklisted from my job for making a mistake that was a close call but ultimately did no damage.  I have been unable to focus since the divorce and have been sleepwalking around for about 4 years now.  Its amazing work never noticed sooner.

I just can’t take it.  Im not mentally strong enough to get a new job, no one wants to hire some loser, I’m just going to run out of money and then God knows what.

Ive been so desperately unhappy for so many years now and all my luck seems to have run out now too.

Im planning on ending it.  I feel really bad for my kids and parents, and cat.  Other than that I really have no friends or anyone that cares about me.  (mental illness again…I’m just not interested in making friends, I can’t stand being around most people, I used to like it before I cracked up).

The kids will be sad but fine, their mother remarried a nice man who is very good to them, and of course they live there.  I expect him to formally adopt them once Im gone anyways.  I expect the cat to go there too.  My parents, now getting old, will be devastated Im sure but I live far away from them and am not really a fixture in their lives, although we are reasonably close .

I certainly have mixed feelings about this, I wish I could just live a life that is livable, without being half crazy and on anti-depressants just to somewhat function , but that is not the case.  I can’t hold down a relationship or a job.  I live a sad pathetic life and when Im not working, I just stay in bed mostly.

It’s like my career choice, blue-collar.  I hated it but it paid OK when I wasn’t laid off.  Do I regret not going to university and getting something a lot better?  No.  Regret is not the word.  I was unable to do university because of my mental condition.  I tried, and, no fucking way I could do it.  I don’t see it as a mistake to have not gone.  It just wasn’t an option.

I do believe in the afterlife and worry about the consequences of suicide.  Everyone says it is a mistake and solves nothing, you won’t get away from your suffering, and you’ll see how sad you made everyone who loved you.

I figure that probably is the case but I also feel a kind of relief when I think of it.  Like it’s been a hard day and I need a good rest.

Anyways, thanks for reading this, Id love to read your comments.

 

signed,

Another pathetic fucking loser that life chewed up and spit out

 

 

 

 

 

 

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