What is life ?
For me life is just a fucking bullshit because i live like a dead person in this fucking world .
I always hated myself and my stupid life , and since i became a teenager i always wanted to die and lived with the suicidal thoughts every fucking night , it was the only thing i wanted because i just wanted to be free by dying than living in this shitty world .
Even though i always wanted to die , i just couldn’t suicide or even hurt myself because i was just scared, so instead of doing it i was just crying , because i was too weak to do it and still am . I just couldn’t do it so i just wanted to be patience till the day comes when i really piss off and decide to suicide and i think im ready now to die and finally be free and leave this stupid world with all of its fakeness .
However, being ready isn’t enough to suicide cuz when u dont , it just makes u even weaker and thats what it did to me and am now fucking bored from delaying it over and over again i just want to leave this fake world as soon as possible. I just cant take this fake world anymore , showing my fake smile to ppl and faking everything , uhh . Since im ready now , i think i can finally do it . :c
P.S : Sorry for my english . Just tried to express what i feel right now , but im not even sure whether i can feel or not rn o.o
Thanks..
11 comments
Hey mudi you wanna talk a bit
sure man.. ;-;
How are you feeling now ?
Empty, fake af , but i think im calm thanks to some songs .. always helps when im feeling alone and suicidal u..u However when it comes to sleeping , i just cant think anything else than suiciding , and cry then finally sleep , and wait for the day that i wont wake up no more . v..v
Well that hurt my heart dear I hope things get better .
How old are you
Well im 20 , and have this thoughts for years but im finally done and wanna end it i just cant take this anymore and idek what to do rn u..u . But ending this shit is the easiest way for me to end this pain and everything , and i always hoped it to get better but it never did and am bored from crying to end the pain , however it never does u..u.
The reason why im still alive an didnt suicide is that i was always scared to do it and ik how the pain is since i lost my cousin who suicided 8 years ago, it really hurt.. I just didnt want my family to have this pain after i die and be depressed and hate life because of me , but now i dont really care what they feel or think . I just cant think anything else than ending this pain ;-;
Well im only year older and I have been rhe same way for years what kept me from ending it was. well if i killdled my self i thought my family would have to move out of the house and that was to much guilt . so I never did it and them my kinfa sorta arrange marriage pulled me out of it but two years later Im back ar were I was
Thats the problem dude , i dont really think that i have a future . I always knew myself as a loser , a useless person . And everyday i was like , ok today i will show that im not a loser anymore but naa , at the end of the day i still was a loser and kept being one . Thats what i hated my whole life and thats something i cant fix, i tried and i really cant . I always wanted to be useful cared by others and make friends , but i kept always failing at everything , at being useful , at getting cared by other ppl , and at making friends, just nothing .. I never had someone that i can really call a ‘real friend’ and even a ‘ friend ‘ , i just have nobody and am alone but im used to ,now i dont really give af . Even now i just have 1 friend from internet whom i can call a real friend to whom i tell everything and talk about these things , never talked it with someone else. She always wants me to stop having this thoughts and look forward for my future , but i dont wanna think about my future when i cant even think what to do now with my shitty life and end up thinking about ending my life right now.
And sorry for calling u a dude , just saw that ur a female :3 And also thanks for listening to my boring stories my friend .
I have no reason to live, i think im now ready to die ;-;