So I OD’ed AGAIN

So I overdosed on heroin/fentanyl yesterday afternoon for the second time, spent the night in the hospital for the second time, and wish I hadn’t made it for the second time. It was the same person who saved me this time too, my neighbor. She doesn’t live in my house, she doesn’t have any reason to come inside, and yet for the second time, she had a “feeling” that something was wrong. So she checks in, does cpr until the medics get there and shoot me up with narcan for the second time, then they took me to the emergency room to observe me and give me IV fluids and an ecg. That’s twice now they should have just let me go, I guess I just haven’t done enough. Fuck, how much clearer can my intent be? That’s twice in 3 months. It really isn’t as easy to die as it seems it should be. But it sure is easy to completely fuck up your life and all of your relationships. Just a warning to anyone else who goes the chemical route. Shit my sternum still hurts from the chest compressions the neighbor did and my muscles still hurt from the narcan.

Why is it so hard to die, its supposed to be easy, people do it thousands of times a day. Whatever, my family still hates me, I still hate them, and I still hate myself, nothing changes. Ill never change, the only thing that changes is the scenes im cast in, and those are mundane.