Why do I keep hurting myself?

(Just disjointed thoughts on a subject… that usually helps me cope… to overthink something into utter boredom…)

yes`, why?

I have been on and off with cutting myself since I was roughly 19. I managed without cutting myself for a period of months and then fall right back into the habit. But it is not only cutting as I noticed. Slapping, punching, intentionally ingesting harmful substances, or just plain ‘ol verbal abuse by downgrading everything and anything I do… are things I have been doing since early childhood, but why do I do it?

some People say  “it’s just because you want attention” . 

A doctor I spoke to when I was first send into the clinic told me that if the Body is able to harm itself intentionally, there is something wrong with it. That makes sense, the Body has a natural self preserving function. Flinching away from hot stove tops or dangerous Situations i.e. heights/ depths.

That must mean that something is overriding one of the most primal instincts we have. But why?

Wounds could become infected. Toxins could cause severe damages to kidneys and liver etc. There is nothing beneficial, except that… for me at least… it releases stress.

Negative stress that has been building up over time and is just as dangerous to us as illness.

If I cut, I feel better, for a few moments. Especially in very stressful moments it seems all the weight on my shoulders is lifted away. Then drops right back on them. It hurts, it burns and has to be taken care of, a hassle that can be avoided easily by not doing it.

Back to the attention argument that I heard most of the time. Yes, I tell my friends that I relapsed. Do I crave their attention so much that I keep hurting myself because of that? No, at least I don’t think so. I have been not cutting and get Attention when I was not Feeling alright. And I have been cutting and kept quiet about it.

Probably because of the stereotype of the attention whore. People who always want to be in the spotlight no matter the situation. It’s easy to come to the Argument “It’s just because you want attention” then.

That could mean, that there is genuine and disingenuous self harm. Whatever that means. I am just putting out ideas here. It’s a fine line between the two  because if you do it too often and come to your friends for help too often they might turn right back at you.  So I can conclude that, for me, I am not doing it “just” for the attention. There is genuine need to release emotional pressure in the given situation. I tried other venting methods just as using a thick rubber band, and eating very spicy food, instead of a sharp object which… worked but again I went back to the more damaging method once I had the chance to.

Of course my friends object, who wouldn’t, even friends that don’t know me that well said I should just stop.  Yet, sometimes I don’t even need a trigger to cut myself. I just feel like it. Hurts a lot more then because little to no pressure is released. I guess there IS something wrong with me then. Professional treatment has only helped so little, trusted friends didn’t really either.

I know why now. And it’s probably nothing new. But the emotional pressure, once it reaches it’s boiling point within my threshold, turns my brain upside down. Instincts are thrown overboard and only the need to release pressure remains. Since my brain is conditioned to cut, it’ll look for something that cuts. I would need someone right then and there to stop me from self harming entirely, Removing sharp tolls wouldn’t help since I would  punch myself in the head repeatedly with those weren’t available.

Again this is just disjointed thinking, conclusions with loose ends everywhere to try and make sense to something. Thanks for reading.

Sincerely

~BL