Hey

It is my first time to post anything, not my first time to think about hanging up the hat. Life can be what one makes of it and often what you see mainly depends on what you look for. I’m 32 and have always looked for the best in people. I was taught to love and forgive, to turn the cheek and be selfless. It made me a clueless person and an easy target for lots of things. My childhood wasn’t exactly sheltered,PTSD and daily panic attacks have been the norm for three decades. Between witnessing my mom commit suicide and living among addicts and convicts-lots of abuse went down and life started off a little turbulent. Drugs are bad. Seeing an entire neighborhood full of decaying folks at the end of their rope is hard to shake off. So, I was that kid. A thousand yard stare and crippled with anxiety- clueless on how things are or just how badly my goods were damaged. Before five years old I lived with dozens of strangers. On drugs….you fill in the blanks. I was adopted after mom checked out and things got better in ways. My family history is wrought with sorrow and dysfunctional stories. I guess my entire adolescence was spent shell shocked and being bullied by sheltered and affluent kids. Oh well, such is life and it never got me so low that I was ready to throw in the cards. It took many years of betrayal, deceit, and downright head games with lots of folks to realize that I don’t like how things are. I’m naive and maybe even a little autistic. It is easy to dupe me, and boy has it been a merciless dupe after another. Emotional abuse, being ripped off, cheated on, abandoned, all the various and sundry burns I could take as a kid, I just don’t have the energy anymore. I live a hermit life and I don’t enjoy it. But after so many let downs and unfair hands dealt, I don’t much socialize any more. The fraudulent, superficial, “Game Of Thrones” social and societal norms baffle me, why so much hate,spite,malice,envy,judgement,selfishness,arrogance,narcissistic stuff, it’s exhausting to spend more than an hour in public and deflating to realize that an apathetic and cold heart is best suited for this world. I would rather die than become that person. It seems like unless one can put on a face and play the game, life isn’t much fun. And it isn’t. The cruel and cold are winning, call me a dumb kid at 32, but I finally dropped the hope and chose to accept that it is nearly impossible to be benevolent and vulnerable without dire consequences. It seems love is the enemy of the state these days, maybe it has always been that way. I am not a quitter, lots if things should have killed me, I was given little chance as an infant because of drugs in my body that I didn’t choose, neither did my brother or sister, they didn’t make it and I hate myself sometimes for it. Meningitis nearly killed me, so have accidents and reckless adults growing up. I have been treated like a pariah, an outcast etc and I understood as a kid that I’ve been through stuff and I am different, I forgave  and looked past hate and meanness. I’m a fighter, I don’t have quit in me, point is I guess it occurred to me that letting go very much sounds peaceful. I know others are stronger and it is weak of me, but I accept that I’m a lame horse and should be brought out to the pasture if you will. Others have had it much worse I know, I just don’t have any motivation to Duke it out with life anymore. I don’t want to commit suicide, I don’t want to do that to those I am close to but I am ready to go.