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Long showers and scars

by kamidaka

I like to take long showers. Under the falling water, the mud that covers my body constantly disappears. They know that, so they don’t allow me to take long showers.
I like to make myself scars. I obviously don’t like the pain that it implies to make them, but I like to have them. The bigger the better. No, not in the wrists, that’s disgusting. On my chest, on my stomach.
Why? Because I like to see a physical proof that I’m fighting, that this horrible war isn’t just inside my head.
I like to see myself in the mirror to watch my scars. They comfort me, they tell me I’m still alive and fighting, that I’ve won some battles here and there.
My parents don’t mind them, but they forbid me to do them on my face. I tried to do it in my face once, to show the world that I’m fighting. They broke my arm, and threatened me. But I really want one on the face.

“All I’ve got left are my precious scars”


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Hazy Day Sunflower 4/22/2016 - 10:29 pm

There is a whole subculture that textures their bodies. I totally get it.

kamidaka 4/22/2016 - 11:16 pm

Oh, you’re the one that posts those paintings! I really love them, they’re so beautiful! Sorry, I don’t know if you make them, I’m new here, but if you do I must say you’re got talent! The colors, the mingling of the paint, the strokes that start defining objects… I love them! And thank you for the comment, I didn’t know there was a subculture dedicated to that, what are they called? :3

nepheliad 4/22/2016 - 10:39 pm

I wrote a comment and it disappeared. What I was asking was: Are you under 18? Do you have social services in your area? I’ve read a few of your posts and it sounds like you’re going through some really awful shit. You should find shelter elsewhere and then report your parents to the police for their abuse (as well as anyone else who is abusing you). Try to prepare some evidence first, maybe take discreet voice recordings or video recordings, and anytime they hurt you, take a picture/video of that, if you are able.

Hazy Day Sunflower 4/22/2016 - 10:50 pm

Do what neph said.

justbecause 4/22/2016 - 10:51 pm

I’m at a loss for words. I’m sorry that your parents don’t see the pain that you are in and that they think the way to help you is to injure you. I can understand about the scars. I don’t care what other people think about the scars on my arms and chest. I figure two things, either I’m not going to be around or no body wants me anyway so it doesn’t matter.

kamidaka 4/22/2016 - 11:30 pm

I’m sorry if this sounds awful, but I’m not a native English speaker; however, I’ll try my best.
Long story short: I’m 18, but I’m not legally an adult. My parents made a lawyer make some papers that state that “I’m not capable of being an adult, therefore I must stay with my parents”.
I’ve tried to ask for help, it didn’t go well. Eventually I managed to gather some evidence, and I was taken to a orphanage. But my parents are really powerful people, they talked to some of their influential friends, bribed judges and officers to get rid of evidence and medical certificates, and I was given to them.
I tried this three times. They broke my legs each time I was given to them again… and some other things I don’t want to mention, they’re very disgusting.
So yeah, the only way out for me is death, like literally. I’m sorry if this was long and boring 🙁

Devils_Advocate 4/23/2016 - 3:18 am

Your story breaks my heart. Where are you from? Can’t you just run away to someplace? Any place would be better than it right?

kamidaka 4/23/2016 - 10:57 pm

I’m from Bolivia, and I can’t leave. I’ve tried, God knows how hard I’ve tried. I’m sorry.

kamidaka 4/22/2016 - 11:36 pm

Sorry, the answer was published the wrong direction! I’m so sorry!

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