Hi. I’m the rug.
I’m in pretty significant pain today, but something new, my family is also screwing me out of what little money I manage to save up.
I lent my sister 1k a while back.
Rather than paying me, she paid my mom, and told me I could get it back from her- which we all know isn’t true.
My mom has bought an in-ground pool during a semester where she screwed me out of paying a third of my college semester, and now she has taken out a second mortgage on the house.
She threatened to kick me out again over something as silly as wearing a black work shirt for another day, so I knew something was up. The next day, she asks me for 2k ASAP.
I have 4k saved up, and I don’t know what I will do with it.
I never go anywhere, and have no aspirations. I just build this cushion, and get bled dry of it, I guess.
I don’t know what to do.
My dad won’t hold my sister accountable for paying me what she owes me, and she makes much more than I do. She lives with my mom, and now she’s planning on going to Italy.
Money isn’t really a thing to me compared to the pain, and even that isn’t really the root cause, it’s just my worst symptom.
This family fucked me up so much in adolescence, and now it’s just continuing on into young adulthood. I don’t think this older generation realizes that this generation isn’t just suffering financially, but being a dependent can be psychologically damaging as well.
Now my dad is willing to pay for my doctors visit, but part of me- to his surprise and mine- doesn’t want to go!
Because I don’t have the money, and I don’t want to take what I don’t have.
Because DARWIN, as odd as that may sound.
Because, if I’m honest, there’s something very honest about this disease.
I’ve found I haven’t had any symptoms when I’m at work. It’s just when I’m stressed AT HOME. I can no longer physically handle my mother, which makes me feel that I should not have had to handle her when it was only emotionally and psychologically damaging, either.
….maybe I should go anyway, and take the lesson it’s given me. I still want to die if I don’t get better, but my mind has brought me to a place where I feel as though that wouldn’t be a bad thing.
I don’t know if this is even making sense to anyone else but myself. It’s all kind of messed up.