Alright, so this is going to be me pouring my heart out more then anything, but i’m kind of on the brink here.
First things first, my name is Jeroen. I’m a 20 year old guy from The netherlands. I love mechanical engineering, custom computers and i like to play video games. I have a pretty tight family. i’m the youngest of 3 brothers(one of which is my twin bro). my parents divorced and we all live at my dad’s place except my twin bro, who moved out to live with his girlfriend. My dad has a new girlfriend too, which also happens to be my neighbour. I live in a small village in the northern part of the country.
I’m also 30.000 euro’s in debt because of college, have rotting teeth eventough i brush them 3 times a day and i’m getting more distanced from the world by the minute.
Now, you might think this is not that bad right? In good ‘ol murica everybody has college debts, so mine is not that different right? Well it is, because i didn’t have to have this debt if i just fucking finished my schooling. Somehow i got it into my thick skull to go do a completely other subject right in the middle of my schooling, so now the government won’t pay me out anymore and i’m in debt for at least the next 10 years of my life. Go me right?
Also, let it be clear that both my brothers do not have this. They both have a car, girlfriends, healthy teeth, my twin bro even has his own damn house at the age of 20 and they are living good accomplished lives. I’m the complete fuckup of the family. If i wasn’t also a lazy shit and a complete ***** i would have jumped in front of a train 4 years ago when i started seeing i’ll never be like my bro’s.
Now the thing is, i can’t just go and kill myself. Me and my bro’s, we’re all pretty tight. Also, my dad has already lost a son (the 4th bro) due to a terminal sickness. I absolutely couldn’t do this. I can’t put my dad through the pain of losing another son. No father should ever have to see his own child die, let alone 2! Not to mention my brothers. Honestly, committing suicide right now is the most selfish thing i could do in my life.
I thought about distancing myself from my family more. I even tried to make them hate me so they won’t feel sad when i die, but i just can’t. Turns out the family that keeps loving me despite the things i do is the only thing keeping me from tying a noose.
But i’m also so incredibly tired of fucking everything up. No matter what i do, i always seem to do it wrong. I try my very best to be more like my bro’s, but i just can’t. Somehow they succeed at everything, and i trail behind in their shadows, failing at all the things i try. My dad says he doesn’t mind. That he doesn’t see me any different. But i see it in his eyes, the way he smiles to my bro’s is so different from the way he smiles at me.
I don’t even really know why i’m typing this on here. I guess i’m just driving myself crazy a bit. Why am i typing my story on a site about suicide when i can’t even take my life because i would hurt too many people who don’t deserve to be pulled in with my misery? Honestly, if i magically got the chance to just dissapear out of everyone’s life, i would do it without a second thought.
Anyway, that’s my heart poured out on here. Feel free to comment your thoughts, i think i could need some advice right now.
6 comments
Hello, lovely. Truly, I understand where you’re coming from. I’m not in debt just yet, but I will be soon enough. I’m from the United States and since I’m majoring in psychology, I have to at least go for 6-8 years.
It’s really hard when life doesn’t work out. It’s even more difficult to handle when we make mistakes then look at those mistakes from a retrospect. Just remember life doesn’t move in a backward motion; so don’t blame yourself for mistakes that were unseen.
Also, going along the lines of suicide, just because you couldn’t take your life doesn’t at all take away from the pain you are feeling. You are in no way, shape, or form weak. I know this will have little to no affect on you right now, since I am the same way, but you are very brave for staying when all you want to do is leave. You are very dedicated to those around you and put them before yourself. Take pride in that.
Addressing school, could you possibly go back into the major you were trying to complete so your government will pay for it? I have no idea how you system works, so I’m just speculating at the moment.
Also, just because your twin has a house at 2 doesn’t reflect on you. To have a house so young and specially in this date and age is miraculous (speaking from my economic system). You may not be as prosperous as them at the moment, but they seemed to bloom younger. Give yourself a chance. You were able to make it…what?…3 1/2 years through college? That’s impressive in itself. I know things are hard right now, and I know you feel like you have no way out, but you do. Keep going, keep pushing. I know I sound like I am immune to your pain, but I promise you someday there will be a light at the end of the tunnel to all of the chaos in your life. I wish you the best and if you need someone to talk to personally, just comment back and maybe we can arrange something. Try and spoil yourself today and get back at it tomorrow. I have faith in you <3
Also just noticed i left a regular comment and not a reply. Anyway, this is getting awkward now.
Hey, thanks for your comment. Your kind words mean a lot, eventough i feel like a lot of the emotion behind my words gets lost through the text and internet. I never met someone who i could talk to about this freely and i can tell by just posting that one post it was already kind of a relief.
Honestly, i wouldn’t mind having someone to talk to about this, right now i’m kind of trying to float this boat on my own.
I never had something like that before though(pen-pals or something?) , and i’m kind of bad at maintaining connections, but i’m willing to give it a shot.
I also just noticed how creepily desperate that sounded, but that’s what this site is for isn’t it?
sweetie, that wasn’t creepy sounding nor desperate. If you would like, we can be pen pals, or even write over a different website or by kik. I’m up for anything.
Hey Jeroen!
Je zit in de knel met studie financiering he..die shit kan lastig zijn. Ik heb ook een beetje dezelfde problemen. Voelen dat ik echt faal in het leven. Ik heb zelf ool schulden van 2300 euro. Maar ik sta er financieel zo slecht bij…dat het afbetalen echt langzaam gaat *zucht*.
En dan zie je anderen om je heen succes hebben in het leven en ze lijken allemaal zo gelukkig. En dan denk je wat doe ik nou nog hier?! Ik weet hoe je je voelt 🙁
*hug* please don’t feel bad. Nobody is perfect. I’m sorry about your teeth. I hope you can find a dentist. I also hope that you can find some way to either go back to school or get a job with the education you have. Don’t give up yet.