One year ago: I had just been diagnosed with breast cancer and was trying to absorb the reality and decide what to do. I had been invisible for so long. After the diagnosis, my family and friends suddenly realized that I exist. The sister I hadn’t spoken to in six months was suddenly very caring and concerned. Even distant cousins sent me cards and emails.
Then it was over. Surgery successful; no chemo or radiation. Yippee. Then everyone left and I was invisible once more.
Then my dad lost his battle with cancer. Two months he’s been gone. I wish I could be where he is. Wish I could live in an endless garden of pansies.
Instead, I’m back to being invisible. Back to my miserable isolated existence. I hardly talk to anyone about anything meaningful. There is no meaning. I’m back to not speaking with my sister. When I told her I was depressed and wanted to die she accused me of being melodramatic. I’ve never been been able to share my true feelings with her.
The only reason I’m still here is I don’t want to hurt my mom. But I feel I am fading away. . . Becoming more and more invisible. . . Maybe eventually I will just disappear.
3 comments
You had the death knocking at your door and now realized people can’t give umportance to what is really important: daily life, small things, be gentle, stay together&talk.
I suggest you take all the wisdom you learned and use them with people who are in the same page you are. They exist. Be brave and go find them!
Thanks. I don’t feel I acquired any wisdom from my experience. I don’t feel I faced death. Not really. I was “lucky” and they caught it early and it was “no big deal” or so I’m told. Of course, I lost part of my body but no one wants to hear about that. I never got to mourn the loss. I’m too busy trying to care for myself amidst some major chronic pain (unrelated to cancer). I have no wisdom to offer. I have no energy to offer. I’m not even able to help my sister much with my dad’s messy paperwork and caring for my mom. I’m pretty much useless to everyone. The only ones who need me are my flowers. They are my only happy thing in life. One year, a bout with cancer and nothing has changed. .. I still feel hopeless.
It sucks how when people think you’re dying, they suddenly care. The whole world stops and looks at you and they don’t even know how to confront the situation and in the end they just end up leaving again. I’ve dealt with similar situations as well. I’m sorry for the loss of your dad, and although I’m not good at advice, I hope things get better for you and try to keep the things keeping you going in mind.