So this is my first post on this site and I am going to talk about something that just happened in my life and nearly -or did- messed up my efforts and trashed my hopes… I don’t even know why I am writting this here but I guess I have nothing to lose, that’s all… But just before really getting started, I just want to warn that I am French so I am really sorry if I do mistakes 😡 >.<
I struggle with depression and self-harm for now over a year. I did my first cut just before the start of April 2015. I had many up and down and no one really for me in real life. The only person that really helped me was people that I met on the internet but to get over something like this, you need help from friends in real life… I finished by asking to a friend some help, but she gave me only little help… but I will be thankful to her forever and she stills help. The first “friend” that I had that “really” helped me was my crush. My girl crush (I’m a girl) who made me realized I was bisexual. I asked her for help not because I loved her but because of something that happened but that’s not important.
She helped me a lot. She was there to listen to everything I needed to say, she was careful to not leaving me alone and was here to help me to stop cutting. For many months, I hide my love for her, being afraid to lose her as a friend if she rejected me. But then, I just could not hide it anymore. She knew all my dark secrets except this one. Last Tuesday, I told her before “running away” like I always do when I say something deep about my feelings (yes I am a coward ^^’). At first, she was nearly trying to run after me as I did everything to avoid her like the coward that I was, knowing that she was not feeling the same way about me. Then, I stopped ruining away, and we did like I never told her about my feelings and I was relieved that she was not running away from me like I did.
The next day, Wednesday, whe had sail, we had a little competition, together. It was soooooo weird and tense between us at the start but while going back to our town by car, things stopped being awkward, we acted as the friends we used to be and even text after that we went separate ways. In France, there was no school (yeah I still go to school) on this Thursday and Friday so we only saw each other on Friday at my 15th birthday sleepover (yeah I still do this dumb thing ^^’). It was really weird between us. Too weird.
She left this morning with my other friends and I texted her latter on because I wanted to tell her that I had found something to help me to stop cutting (because I started a little again and in the past few days, I am one week clean today, I had trouble to do not start again even during my birthday party because even then I was feeling like if I was not at the right place). The hours passed by (right now it’s 7pm21 in France), she did not answer and I finished my realized that she will not answer. This just broke me… I don’t know what to do… During months I did not said anything about my love because I knew that if I lose her, I will probably be not able to fight my depression… And I lost her. I don’t even know why to keep living, I have no freaking goal, nothing to look foward to…
3 comments
A tout le monde
A tout mes amis
Je vous aime
Je dois partir
Ne pars pas 🙁 !!!
SkeletonLost,
Hey your English is better than mine!! i don’t know what to say? but i’m attracted to young french girls! ” a polly vu ah hum ah hum ah? 🙂 anyways yep life is tuff! I see your struggle it is a hard one! i have some advice, first off stop this self harm business! STOP IT! You know that isn’t going to help anything and only makes things worse, everyone going to get mad at me, i don’t understand BLAH BLAH! Sorry but come on it’s not a good thing right? so stop it, your young and this situation you are facing isn’t going to be the first or the last, at least don’t make it your last if you know what i mean, we we! you know that means taking a leak over here 🙂 next thing your bisexual, not gay, and please gay people don’t get mad at me! i’m just saying what i think, some people like the same sex i don’t see anything wrong with that “messing around”, but i myself don’t see a lot of happiness falling in love with the same sex, a serious relationship type thing, if you come off like that to her you probably would scare her off, i’m just saying? the world is a hard thing to deal with, don’t deal with it that much keep it simple, far as goals that’s really easy do what you enjoy and be good at it and have fun, isn’t that what having a goal should be about? enjoying your passion. you have a lot of time to think about it, don’t try to figure it out over night. well i found your post interesting and i hope something i’ve said makes sense, i just want you to be happy, laugh! drink wine! dance! smile! french girls are good at that NO! 🙂