Loser-dom

I am an addict, and I’ve attempted suicide several times. I haven’t been dependent on my parents in years, but because of my rather dramatic and reckless lifestyle they have made gracious gestures to assist me in getting better. This assistance comes with a heavy price, and as a result really leaves me in a state of inner turmoil with anger directed at people who believe they have my best interest in mind.

I have been on an annual cycle for the past few years, and it seems like understandably enough everyone is getting sick of it. Seems like my family doesn’t know what to do anymore, and that they really have lost most of the interest in helping. I am not mad at them for that at all, and I honestly somewhat wish I didn’t receive their redundant misguided help. I feel so fucking guilty feeling this way, and I am totally aware I come off as selfish and unappreciative, especially when I relapse.

I think the biggest problem rests on my dad’s shoulders, also don’t get me wrong, I don’t want him to feel like shit. I don’t want to call out a person for being there for me either. I simply just want to express how I feel to him, without getting berated and spoken too like I am an adolescent. I have a lot of financial issues, but I handle all of but one bill for myself. I have purchased and financed my last 2 vehicles, and I receive no assistance on rent or any other amenities. When I do get any financial help I feel like I will never be able to outlive that sentiment that owe them in some way. That’s also the problem with the other support, when I am at my worst. They will give me a place to kinda recover, and regain my footing, all of which I can provide for myself, and have been able to do for several years. The only reason I haven’t is that when you are locked up in a hospital they require that you have a family member “bail” you out. They require that the family member have an extended time where they supervise your behavior. Not to critique my dad, but he always really makes a big show as to how he will help, but never actually assists me in any of the ways that he promises.

My dad thinks all I ever use him for is a last minute attempt at support, and it’s true in a way. Honestly he makes me feel small, and this where most of my conflict with him really gets to be a problem. He is remarried, and his wife doesn’t like me. His step-daughter and step-son don’t like me either, which I guess I understand. When you hear nothing but negative things about a drug addict who habitually takes advantage of his infallible respectable father what else are you supposed to think. I know him really well, and he goes out of his way when venting to other people about his problems to portray himself in the most favorable of ways. What I mean about that is, he uses half truths, which allow him to trump up the efforts he makes. He also makes it seem as if our relationship is good in some way, I feel like it makes it seem as if I am more of the bad guy when I choose more often than not to dodge an encounter with him. I feel like he has my family sold on the idea that I am ungrateful, and to further the damage I feel like he also portrays me as someone he respects. I often get the intuition that to the rest of the family he tells them he treats me as an adult, as an intelligent person with independent thought. On the contrary he goes out of his way to assert his dominance. He makes very forceful and hurtful comments. When he helps me he rattles off a to-do list, and relentlessly repeats each step until I am pacified and exhausted. He will scream at me as if I am 10 years old if his anxiety gets out of hand. Furthermore, helping me out makes me feel extremely guilty for other reasons. When something stressful happens it really does have adverse effects on his mood and physical health. I actually end up worried about him, and I believe that the family worries about him as well. I am not denying that my behavior has dramatically directly effected him, and other members of my family. I think about it all of the time, I worry about it, I feel guilt for it, and most of all I feel so terrible for it I want to cut them all out of my life. I am having a hard time living with the whole situations. anyway, back to my original point, the fact that his anxiety gets so back it affects his health allows him to come off as a martyr.

I think there is a common theme being highlighted here. There is a strong duality of legitimate efforts given to me by my dad, coupled with my extreme lack of disrespect. At the same time me never feeling like I have a valid affirmative legitimate reason to complain, or if I am even remotely worthy of complaining. I tears me up, and I am often caught up in a depressing inner initiative to present my feelings to my dad. I want to ask him how I am portrayed to the family, how he portrays himself, and I want to know why exactly that his family really likes me. I want to ask my dad’s wife, and her daughter what he says about me when I am not around. I want to ask them to give me a chance to speak for myself, and I want to point out my dad’s debating style, how he also have a very paranoid presumptuous mind which gets him in trouble, and also stands in his way constantly. I want to point out it’s hard for me to walk into a situation where they’re all there, and how I have been spoken about in a negative light while I was not present. I want to ask them to judge me based on my interests, how I have treated them in past, and to perhaps bring up any discrepancies about things I have done in the past and discuss them with me. I want them to know that in order for me to have a relationship with my blood relatives, that I also have to have a relationship with them. I want them to know that my dad’s opinions, intuitions, and gossip don’t and most likely never have mirrored any of my beliefs. I want to suggest that they give me a break if my body language comes off as disruptive, upset, or judgmental, and assure them that I don’t think that way, and that my anxiety gets in the way of my natural more fluid body language and speaking style. I know I would never be able to get an honest response from them, but I also want to ask them if they believe I use my emotions to manipulate them, or if they dislike me for interrupting the natural flow and feeling of dinner or any other family event that I am involved in, while very rare. I would ask that they attempt to treat me with respect, to attempt to walk around on eggshells around me.

I know it is all futile. I know they would see it as a gesture of self-absorbed disrespect. I am so unhappy with every relationship in my life, and they’ve all fallen apart, either that or they’re simply superficial. This post comes off as so fucking pathetic, such a pitiful struggle to fight the one source of support I have. It’s a pathetic and almost abusive gesture to my father. I fucking hate myself man.

I am going to run it by my older brother, see what he says, but I doubt I will be met with an open mind. I think it will just result in my complaining, and my brother saying “I’m sorry you feel that way.”