My Story

Second post ever.

Alright, so…I, I guess…I guess I’ll just let you guys know more or less what lead me here? Maybe?

I’ll try to shorten it as much as I can…

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I guess it all began about a year or so ago? My mother had a stair accident and fractured her patella. (That rlly important little sphere in her knee). She had to go through two surgeries and is still missing one, that will be done in July.
Now, my mother is a rather…difficult woman. She has a sharp tongue and sharp attitude, even though I know she uses it to build protective walls around herself.
Anyway, since I was little, she’d shout at me and stuff…for example, If as a little kid I fell and hit my knee or something, I’d cry loads; but when asked, I said I didn’t cry because it hurt. I cried because my mother would later shout at me and scold me.
So yeah, that type of woman.
While she was in hospital, my father would be really stressed…and she’d call and shout at us by phone saying we never visited her (dad had to work for both of them since they both have the same job and I had school, we visited her whenever we could.) and that we didn’t care about her. Several nights, my father would have to stay all night with her, leaving me alone at home. I didn’t really mind, but then I was the complete idiot I am and forgot to phone them just because I had homework and stuff. (I attended several classes, like Chinese and a university-level 3D Animation course; my mother forced me to do all those, but I decided myself to try 3D, even though I found it rlly stressful with school and was terrible at it but couldn’t tell my mom because she’d tell me I’m useless and lazy) They’d both yell at me through the phone, telling me ungrateful and that I was just like the rest of the family (considered an insult by my parents since they hate their parents and the rest of the family) and that I didn’t care for them. I was really hurt by those words…which, only ever got worse when my mother came home. She couldn’t walk at first and then she could with some stuff that helped her walk, and she’d keep yelling at me.
Anyway, then at the end of the year I got really stressed from all the classes, school and mainly 3D, and I began crying every night. My parents noticed, but didn’t do or say anything. My mother later on, when I confessed to her I cried myself to sleep every night, told me that she and dad knew but said nothing because I should learn how to cope with the pressure, and that they went through much worse but didn’t whine like me.
I felt so terrible and like such the disappointment I am…
Also, on the 31 December, I hid in the bathroom and cried for 2 hours while my parents argued; My father blamed my mother for het mood swings and harshness since her accident, and then my mother blamed me for I don’t exactly remember what. Everything was a blur…my aunt was there, but did and said nothing. That year I also discovered I am Lesbian; whenever the topic came up, my family would/will make homophobic remarks. I told my aunt, and she told me that If my mom ever found out, that I shouldn’t tell her I had told my aunt because my mom would be furious at her too. She also cried and said I would break my mother’s heart.
Then, on summer already, I got really stressed again with 3D, because I had several projects to do while everyone was on holiday but I couldn’t finish them because I suck at it; I believe that’s when I began self-harming. I couldn’t take it anymore, and I remembered once when my parents were yelling at me I unconsciously scratched the side of my head and it actually bled? I didn’t really notice it back then, but I felt relief.
So I grabbed a pocket knife and tried a few shallow ones on my shoulders. There was this person on DA who..well…had forced out friendfship and other stuff, but what really affected me was that she lied to me saying she cut too, to “try to help me” asked for pics of my cuts, said they were merely scratches and that she’d seen worse, then without me knowing sent those pics and talked about my sh to a friend of hers despite me telling her not to tell anyone, and other stuff…
That’s why I changed accounts; because even after I blocked her, she kept making new accs and following me and guilt-tripping me.
Maybe I was a jerk and a monster like she said…and selfish…
Anyways; then pretty soon I moved onto my arms and legs and waist with the cuts.
I sent a letter to the school psychologist because I felt so bad I was desperate…
He talked with my parents (didn’t tell them I cut, just told them I was anguished). They asked me what was wrong, I told them a few things like the fact that I’m agnostic, my family is catholic, I like girls and the classes. For a single moment, they seemed to understand…
The school psychologist gave them a therapist he knew’s number, but they decided to ignore it and find one themselves without asking me first just because they didn’t want me to tell the school psychologist everything, but he knows more than they do. My therapist isn’t helping at all, and I can’t tell her anything….she said that she’d tell my parents things like cutting or suicidal thoughts; she even saw my cuts once by accident, I told her it was my dog but she didn’t quite believe me. She also writes EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING I SAY in the sessions down. Everything that comes out or even does not come out of my mouth.
In some brave talks, I also told my dad about me not liking the classes…he said I could do whatever I wanted, and told me it was I who would have to confront my mother. But he told her the other day while we were in a HOTEL WITH PEOPLE AROUND and turned on me and said he didn’t agree with me (contradicting what he had said in our talks) and they were furious and said I was a disappointment, and that I was lazy and that I’d turn out to be a “Ni-Ni” (Not studies nor works) and that they would never let me do any more classes, not even violin and horseback riding that I wanted to do.
More recently, my parents have been telling me off for not socializing and not talking to them at all also. But I can’t even talk to them, and everything I say is wrong…so what’s the point in talking? I’m just annoying as heck.
I can’t sleep, I cry myself to sleep every night, I cut, I lie saying I’m fine, the circle goes on.
Then the other week they shouted at me again and told me that I was a disappointment (again) the whole thing of the other day and that they’d force me back into 3D class. That I was lazy and other stuff, because I “quit” classes, the church (when I said I was agnostic) and other stuff and that I’d always be that way.
They also ignored me liking girls since I told them and whenever the topic comes up they say it’s just a phase.

They also have been fighting a lot because my mom changed COMPLETELY in personality and habits since the accident…she’s more anxious and snaps more, but also is always on her phone and…other stuff. That’s why they fight, and it’s partly because of me; If I wasn’t feeling like this, my father wouldn’t get even angrier because I never talk with my parents…I have tried, but you can see above how things turned out.

Then, there’s this friend if the family who confessed to me that once, when I was like 10 and he was sleeping in the same room as a friend of mine and him, she began provoking him (she’s that way till this day) and that if she hadn’t been my friend, he would have fucked her…
And all my life he has…idk…physically approached me more than what’s usual and like, whenever I sat/sit on his lap he touches me in a way and I have to get away slowly…
And the other day he confessed that he had always thought about me…t-that way, and that if I were older he would feel that way freely (he’s 34, I’m 14). I can’t tell my parents…they trust him so much (Even more than they trust me; For he knows secrets that my parents have been hiding for me and one of them was revealed by accident from my dad; I guess it doesn’t really affect my life, but it still hurts that they don’t trust me to tell me something so important.

And, well, before all this crap…I used to go to a catholic, all-girls school. I was really bullied there, and thanks to my family not being so orthodox as the school, the teachers and staff hated me too and isolated me from the rest of them. I really had no confidence and that’s what I carry with me now too, even though I’m scared of admitting I’m so weak over something so not-important…

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I guess…I’m just so tired of everything. Every night is a lonely, painful mess, but I can barely go through the day; I can’t bare to wake up every morning and wish I were dead.

I know most people or even everyone else has it worse than me…I’m probably just a whiny baby whining and crying and harming herself over nothing; regular things people cope with without turning into what I have become; I have no mental illness and I’m probably making it up or something. I have never been diagnosed (No one really knows about this, it terrifies me the thought of someone…f-finding out.) And I hate myself even more for it.

I’m just so done.

I’m tired of thinking about death every moment of my life; Of crying so hard  every night my chest hurts and I can’t breathe. Of feeling tired and demotivated all the time. I’m just so tired…I want to close my eyes and never open them again. I’m just a waste of space, do not belong in this world…