REALLY LONG STORY
I’m a thirteen year old girl who seems like I have a comfortable, normal life. but that’s only what I let people see about my life. since December, 2015, my life changed. It started with one nightmare about the people I care about dying, but then it became reoccurring and it became worse. I started having horrible visions about death and even people I didn’t know were dying. One day I found the courage to talk to my mom about it and she seemed really upset and confused. She even told me she didn’t know how to help me. While tears where running down my face, she wrapped her arms around me and prayed. After that the nightmares and visions got no better.
It got so bad I knew I had to ask my mom for profesional help. One afternoon, when she collected me from school, she asked if school was going okay. I told her it was hard to focus on anything and she asked me why. So I said it was because of the thing I told her about, and she asked me if that was still going on. So I told her yes and I told her that I would like to see a therapist about it. She started to freak out and said no, and even told me that I shouldn’t let my friends influence me in telling me that I need a therapist. The thing is I didn’t tell anyone at school. And yep you guessed it, things got worse from there.
That same afternoon when my dad picked us up, she told him about my nightmares, while i was right there, even though on the night we talked, I SPECIFICALLY told her not to tell my dad. Betraying my trust mom, good job. Because of this our amazing relationship shattered into pieces, along with my entire world. You might be wondering just why I didn’t want my dad to know. he isn’t an understanding person that I could talk to. Plus, I dint want him to think of me as a crazy person.
Since I knew I was going to get no help from my mother, I tried to help myself. I started sticking quotes on one wall in my room to make me happy. Since I knew my mom would come in there, I placed one single quote which sounded a BIT suicidal. It
read “Should I run away and change my name? Or should I stay and fight through the night? And never close my eyes. I’ll never close my eyes. -Our Last Night” She had read the quotes and asked me if I was in love or if I had my heart broken. This made me upset know that she was the one person I told about me being depressed and the reason and she automatically asumes I’m in love. I understand that that is just what mothers do, but being a mother of a depressed girl is different. She also told me that she had noticed a change in my behavior, that I was becoming more distant and short tempered. Then why the hell didn’t you get me help. So, wanting to talk to her, I asked her to read the quotes with me and tell me why she thought I was in love. She read the quotes with me and I explained each one to her. When we got to that one special quote, she screamed at me saying it was “fucking suicidal”. She then ripped the quote off the wall, along with some paint, and threw it on the ground. This just made me cry even more. It was at this moment that I realized, I was NOT going to get help from her. We had finished our conversation on a bad note when she brought up the fact that my grandmother was dying and that probably God was sending me signs, preparing me for her death. I bawled my eyes out that night.
So I started talking to my best friend about it, hoping he could make me feel better. Often when I had emotional breakdowns he would stay up all night texting me (we texted instead of calling because I didn’t want to wake up my parents) trying to make me feel better. My mom got annoyed at me staying up late talking to him and wanted me to block him, so I explained that he was my best friend. She didn’t care and told me not to talk to him even if it was just not as much. Can’t. Get. Help. So my grandmother is still very sick, I’m still having visions of death, I’m overweight, I have horribly acne(seriously, You ain’t never seen acne like mine), eczema, stupidly large breasts, depression and I want to end it all.
Right now just killing myself seems like the only way out. But that would be selfish of me, leaving all the people I care about behind. Or am I just flattering myself, they don’t need me. the constant war inside my head. It’s strange, my life. I’m the girl who tells everyone at school randomly that she loves them, telling them that they are beautiful. Making them feel like at least one person loves them in this world. Do they need me to carry on, am I being selfish in ending my pain and not being there to prevent theirs? Or do they not need me? They can find someone else, right? On the other hand I’m Christian, if I commit suicide I would just go to hell. Is it worth it? At times I think it is.
I just don’t know what to think anymore, so just in case, I started writing letters to everyone, and I’m preparing a video for my mom exclusively. I can’t take it anymore. There’s no one to help, no one to sit with me and let me pour my feeling out to them. To get tell me when this gets too serious, what steps to take to resolve it. So i guess this is… goodbye world…
Thanks for caring enough to read this whole thing. You’re BEAUTIFUL. Stay awesome!
15 comments
But ur 13…. ur so young
That’s exactly the reason people don’t listen to me. Whenever I tried to get help from one of my best friends all she told me was that I was too young and that I’m just being a teenager.
Do yu watch steve wilkos?
No. what is it?
Is there an adult at your school you could talk to? A social worker or guidance counselor? I’m sorry your parents don’t understand, mine didn’t either when I was your age. Parents and kids for that matter, don’t come with instructions. I hope you are able to find someone to reach out to, please don’t give up.
There is one, a guidance counsellor. But I dont feel comfortable talking to her. I just hoped that my mom of all people would try to help.
Another thing is that I don’t want the people in my class to know. the only time I can go to the guidance counsellor is at lunch and they would find out.
Hey there. I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through a rough time. I had my first bout of depression when I was around your age and believe me, my parents freaked out about it. In retrospect, I guess finding out your baby might be mentally ill is one of the toughest things a parent could have to deal with. Do your parents have much awareness about mental health?
I agree with Wintergirl, is there anyone at school who might be able to help? I was lucky enough to have a counsellor who explained the situation to my parents and set up a psychiatric referral. Perhaps somebody could do the same for you.
You sound like a genuinely kind person and I’m sure many people would be sad to see you go. You’re not alone. There are the people on SP, and I think you find sometimes that people in real life are more observant and compassionate than you expect. 13 is a tough time but I hope you get through it. Good luck!
But I’m afraid my mom would freak out if I went behind her back to get a counsellor after she told me I couldn’t have one.
Well we can’t have you committing suicide because your mother might freak out over you getting counselling for yourself.
If your mother really loves you, that would upset her more.
I think your reaction to your visions was entirely sensible: You wanted to see a therapist about them. Evidently, your mother has something against this and prefers prayer.
This is one of those situations, where, however difficult, you have to stand up for yourself, and for what you believe is in your best interest. If your mother will not help you get help, then you must get help for yourself. My advice would be to find some kind of guaranteed confidential counselling (Does your school offer this kind of thing?). Maybe they can then refer you on to some other option.
I really, really want you to take yourself seriously, because you are SO valuable, and I have in the past betrayed myself and given in to others because they had so much emotional power over me. And I really, really, really regret it, it has damaged me so much.
YOU know on some level what is in your best interest, and even if you are wrong, then it was your choice, and you can own it. So my advice would be to follow your first instinct and try for some therapy.
And please stay alive 🙂
Massive hugs
Thank you 🙂 The counsellor at school has to report to my parents anything like that so I dont really know just how to get a confidential counsellor. Should I ask the one at school to find one for me?
Sorry to butt in, but where are you from? Is there a mental health crisis helpline in your area? Like the Samaritans? I don’t think they provide counselling, but they might be able to offer suggestions/contact information for another organisation that does. Sorry I don’t have better ideas as I’m not sure how things work where you live :/
I’m from Barbados. I think there is
Why can’t all us depressed people all get together and become mates ? That’s what we need right support from someone who understands