It’s hard to balance the competing aspects of my mind. The feelings of hopelessness are so overwhelming. That I just shouldn’t exist. That me being here is wrong. Every time I try to do anything to improve my situation, it just causes conflict. It makes me want to just crawl away and die.
And yet, I know that if I actually did that, the people around me would be devastated and angry. They want me to be alive. They want me to be functional. Just somewhere else. Where they don’t have to deal with me. They want me to not be me. And I don’t know how to do that.
If I end my life, I ruin their’s. Can’t do that. If I carry on living, I carry on being this wrongness in the world. Can’t do that. If I try and improve my position in life, it impacts negatively on those around me and they lash out. Can’t do that. If I stay stuck in a paralyzed ball away from the world, then I feel miserable and hopeless. Can’t do that.
I can’t deal with this reality. No matter what I do, nothing changes. Whatever I do, it’ll always be wrong. I’m trapped in a situation (of my own making) where there are no right answers. I just want to numb it all away right now. Drown it all out and retreat into my little fantasy world where things aren’t fucked.
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I was wondering about you just last night, husk. I don’t know what to say to you, because all I can do is agree with nearly everything you’re saying. There seems to be no winning. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t…
Hey whiskered-fish. It’s funny, on the one hand I wish you didn’t get where I’m coming from. No one should be like this. On the other, it’s a tiny bit comforting not to be completely alone in it. Which is kind of screwed up.
I hope the world treats you better. I hope you find some way to be kinder to yourself. Even if you don’t feel you deserve it.
Sometimes numbing things out seems like the best and only option. Just to get some peace for a little bit, but honestly there’s no point. It’s all still there when you come back to reality, and it’s return always hurts more than you remember it hurting before..
Hmmm, the return is always painful. But then if reality seems unbearable to begin with, how much worse could the pain of return be?
The problem is it’s so hard to escape reality while remaining functional in the world. And that doing so removes any chance of addressing your problems. But if that seems hopeless anyway, then I guess it’s as good a choice as any. A kind of stasis for the mind.