General Distress

I’m always upset, or worried about something. The people I live with are always driving me crazy – they’re actually the cause of my pain. The woman I live with in particular, the one who is home the most, and is the most in charge; she puts herself through misery all of the time and then complains about it. We’ve fought about it countless times, and each time, I get increasingly distressed. Once, about two days before my birthday, I had a nervous breakdown while arguing with her. Got caught up in her circular logic and it drove me insane for a moment. We fought again on my birthday over something trivial.

You might be wondering why it bugs me so much. Well, she’s my grandmother. We’ve lived together since I was born, and made the mistake of choosing to continue living together after I turned 18. I cover the utilities, and she covers the rent. But lately, we’ve been clashing over almost everything, and it has me in shambles. She doesn’t understand how affected I am – and I get the feeling that she’s been using me all this time.

Each time we argue, she’ll bring up some point like, “I pay more than you do each month, so I don’t see why you’re so upset!” It boils down to, ‘my struggles are greater than yours.’ Which is a very childish thing to say, and it gets me every time. Even as I type this, I feel uneasy. I want to scream, I want to hurt. But more than anything else, I want my pain to end.

I’ll cut to the point. I’ve been thinking not only of suicide, but of homicide as well. Keep having these dreams where I kill everyone that’s ever done me wrong. I’ve been the victim of a lot, and up until my 16th birthday, it never bothered me. But at this point, it eats at me. I feel as if I’m on the brink of destruction, that one of these days, I’ll snap regardless of the effort I put forth to change the path currently on, and the thought alone is truly terrifying.

I’ve been doing what I can to move from my current home. With time, I should be out of here. I also have plans in a few days to see a psychiatrist. If everything goes well, I ought to be fine. But that doesn’t keep me from worrying. I don’t want to hurt anyone – I’ve never been that kind of person, and I have no plans to be.

P.S: I’m new here. But I’ll be posting from time to time, according to how I’m feeling. If there’s something wrong with my grammar, be sure to let me know. I like to keep everything as clear as it can possibly be.

Thank you.