I hate sex.
I want sex.
I am young female student. I am sexually active but I wish I wasn’t.
On the other hand I want sex.
I hate, I hate, I hate it so much!
I feel disgusting, used, used so badly…
I am not in relationships but I could. But I don’t want to. I don’t like them. I don’t like them at all. They come and ask me out and kiss me and… I can’t say no.
Sure, I can, but I am weak-willed. And I hate it, I hate myself.
I wish I was no longer alive.
I don’t want to live in this body used by so many. I don’t want to have that mind that craves to get used. I feel so powerless.
I can’t fall in love.
I miss the person with whom everything was great.
Sex was great. I didn’t feel disgusting. I didn’t feel ashamed after. Oh, how much easier it was back then.
And when I am alone with myself, when no one is touching me I crave it back.
I miss him. I miss him. I look for him.
And he is gone.
I wish I was gone too.
Gone gone gone!
Sometimes I lie down on the floor and cry over him. Why can’t I love someone else? It’s been 2 or 3 months since we broke up. I don’t even count time. Oh, misery!
It’s been 2 or 3 months since that and he… he is with someone new.
He knew her while we were dating.
He knew he knew he knew!
No.
No one will ever love me back.
All that’s left those guys who ask me out, who kiss me, who…
And I can’t say no.
Stupid girl.
Stupid little slut.
7 comments
Hey, calm down okay. I mean, I’m a class a asshole. I’m like those guys that take advantage of you but there’s nobody to take advantage of. I know that makes me sound like a horrible person, and maybe I am. But that’s not what this is about. You’re not a slut and you’re not stupid because you aren’t dating anybody but you’re still sexually active. It seems to me that you’re still reeling from what happened with the last person you dated and that’s why you’re acting this way. No judgement there. It’s incredibly hard to change a pattern or behavior that you’ve been in for a while, but you can, trust me. Start off with small things and move on from there. Things don’t get better quickly, they come at such a slow pace that it seems like it’s not only staying the same but it’s getting worse. If you work at what bothers you, you can fix it. This is coming from a guy who’s battling addiction to this day.
I agree with thelost, not so sure on the class a asshole thing, but the rest, definitely. Also, you can say no to those guys, you’re not obligated to do anything. Just be patient. You’ll find a guy that will love you with all his heart, and you will feel exactly the same about him. That guy will be worth waiting for, worth weathering the pain that you’re feeling now.
It is definitely possible to refuse sex even when you have a strong libido. Believe me. You just need to say No. Make up an excuse and leave the situation. That’s it.
If you dismiss the offer and the other person tries to force you, it means they’re acting like a rapist, and you should report them to the police if you think you’ve been coerced against your will.
You need to take time alone to yourself now. Respect your body. If you do so, eventually you’ll meet someone who’ll be good to you and won’t use you.
You know, you don’t have to hate yourself just because you have sex. It’s okay that you do and it’s okay if you don’t. Don’t let other people judge you and tell you what to do. You are perfectly fine the way you are. Don’t make decisions based on what you think is appropriate. Do what feels right to you and if you don’t know what to do, just observe what you do without judging yourself.
I know it’s hard to let go of judgment, but I’m telling you that you are okay.
You are a good person and underneath all your trouble you have a shiny and bright hard and I hope that light will shine through someday. But until then, cut yourself some slack. Don’t try to be good. All you have to do is be yourself.
I’ve never met you, but I feel compassion and love for you. I hope you’ll succeed in finding, love, peace, and happiness.
It is love and attention you want and not sex. Right now, you are giving these men what they want (sex) without receiving what you truly want ( appreciaiton and love). It is a win-lose situation but you are the losing part because you don’t really get what you want. I don’t believe you do this because you have a strong libido.
You should seek for men you can give you hugs and plenty of atttention without the sex thing. And if you don’t find a man like this, it may sound crazy, but I suggest you to hire some gentleman to treat you like a little princess (if you have money). Find a man you like and just tell him how you need just his affection and attention without the sex thing.
I might as well sounded not the way I want to portray myself.
It’s not just libido. I just don’t care anymore. And most boys I sleep with are probably in love with me and I don’t care. I don’t want them but I end up sleeping with them. Sure, I probably just want to be loved and cared after and I could get just that but I don’t want those men and I feel like I have to give them something for petting my head and listening.
You could also say I am the one who uses people not they are using me. And that’s even worse. I am the bad one not they.
Life has no taste anymore. Just that craving that wants it back.
I feel like Sylvia’s Plath “The bell jar” main character. I feel like Sylvia.
Forgive my English because I’m not a native speaker.
I was exactly in your situation 2-3 years ago. Even far worse than your situation maybe, because I don’t think any of the man I slept with were in love with me. Now I don’t sleep with any guys anymore, but I feel great about it.
How did this situation change? Well first I’m not a student anymore. Now I work and it makes me really more confident. I’m not begging for a job anymore and I feel useful and appreciated. Being a student can be a really difficult situation if you don’t really know where you are going.
Secondly, I’ve met a man two years ago who didn’t reject me because of my depressive state and didn’t tried to take advantage of it. He was so kind, so beautiful and charming, so interesting to talk to..the most perfect person in the world I have never encounter.
Maybe I fell in love the day meet him…but I know myself now…I will never ever be able or want to be in a relationship…I’m just not fit for that… But everytime I’m tempt to slept with another guy for bad reasons I remember that man which was the most perfect I’ve ever encounter, and if I feel I would be ashamed if he knew, I abstain myself of doing it.
My point is: You need to find a guy or a way of life which is worth waiting for. Even if you think you have no chance to end up with him, regardless of the reasons. You need to start dreaming again. Wanting things and people.