The only thing I can do anymore is damage. I have not made anyone happy in the past several months; I just disappoint them. I don’t want bullshit that I’m not seeing things right; I know what I see and hear. I may be a useless fuck but I still have my senses intact.
I’ve done pretty poorly these past few days and will probably continue to do the same for the next few days. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say anymore because I am too lazy to fix myself so that I stop disappointing people this way. I know no one will miss me but my mother, and even she only will because she is biologically programmed to. God only knows she would not put up with the complete and utter shitpile that is my existence if she didn’t have to. I’m really fucking sorry for it too but clearly I’m nowhere near sorry enough, or I’d fix myself.
I told myself I’d keep going through until this fall at the soonest but maybe I should just quit now. At this point I wonder if I should even live for the off chance that I get better, because even if I do and live out the rest of my days a worthwhile person, will it make up for this? Can anything but death ever atone for the way I am now?
(also, please no one feel obligated to comment unless you for some reason have a burning desire to. I’ve been reading posts on here fairly often but haven’t been commenting, so I’m sorry and for sure no one else owes me anything.)
1 comment
I’m not going to be the one to tell you that you need to keep going or to keep trudging along but I guarantee you that whatever you’ve done is forgivable. I’ve been working on staying alive and trying to keep positive. Life gets shitty and people are worse but whatever you need to do, whatever you can find to keep you here you need to hold on to. Weigh the benefits of being dead, there’s really only one, and weigh the benefits of being alive. If the only thing is keeping your mom from being sad then that’s still greater than being dead. Ask for forgiveness from whoever you wronged and you may find they’ll get over it.