yeah so I promised myself a year and a few months ago that I would kill myself if I stayed as bad I was then for a year or if I started getting that bad again. this is not the kind of life that is worth living- not because there is anything wrong with anything in my life. except for me. I am the only problem, and as I am in the same (or possibly an even worse) place after a year and a half, during all of which I have never once been glad to have been born, I can see that I will not […]
The only thing I can do anymore is damage. I have not made anyone happy in the past several months; I just disappoint them. I don’t want bullshit that I’m not seeing things right; I know what I see and hear. I may be a useless fuck but I still have my senses intact.
I’ve done pretty poorly these past few days and will probably continue to do the same for the next few days. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say anymore because I am too lazy to fix myself so that I stop disappointing people this way. I know no one will miss me […]
what my math teacher wrote on my math test, which I got back today with about a 70%. a couple days ago I got a 52% on an english quiz I didn’t know we were having for the reading I forgot was assigned. he’s right, of course, because I usually pay attention pretty well no matter how wrecked my mental state is. he is right because I can do so much better. I have had straight A’s all year, but this term I’m just hoping against hope to pass. it’s not even that I am doing that much worse than I have been, it’s just that […]
so I’ve recently heard the piece of advice from lots of people- on here and in real life- to remember that parents are only human. I appreciate the advice and yes, I do in fact realize that my parents are also prone to mistakes.
but I know when people mean what they say. my mother is a lawyer for a living. obviously this does not mean that she says the right thing all the time, or that she doesn’t have outbursts of things she doesn’t really mean. but she literally reads contracts to make sure people say what they mean so that they can be legally […]
I don’t even know what to say. I told myself long ago that if I reached this point, I’d kill myself. I tried and it didn’t work, but now I have no way to do it, and since my mom is already apparently so crushed by just the tiny tidbit that I cut, I can’t make myself work up the strength to kill myself now anyway.
I’m not getting anything done, I barely show up to anything anymore, I don’t know how I’m getting away with all this. I’ve not been cutting even though I really deserve it now more than I have before because at […]
this has been the most emotionally exhausting day of my entire godforsaken existence. I don’t know what to do or think anymore, I’m just crying and crying. I’ve got the absolute worst headache from having 5 hours of sleep and 4 hours of crying. This just fucking sucks ass.
I had to call my mother and tell her I’m self-harming. She says she thought I was the one thing she got right in her life, but apparently I’m not. So, great. Fan-fucking-tastic. I have ruined my mother’s life and all this without her even knowing I’m suicidal. she asked why I would even tell her if […]
I am both of the above to the point that the best solution to every single problem I encounter seems to be to just kill myself. I have 7 hours of work due tomorrow and it is entirely because I didn’t start any of it until tonight. I am tired and all I want is to go to sleep and never wake up.
All weekend I have been going back and forth, deciding whether or not to kill myself. I want to but I feel guilty about all the loose ends I have here. I don’t want to leave them untied but it doesn’t seem like I can tie them all up in time, or do it without someone maybe getting suspicious. And it wouldn’t be too hard to ignore that and do it anyway, since I won’t be around to feel guilty about it anyway, but I am a coward. I hate the way I am but it seems like so much effort to stop this once […]
I’m not sure if the way I perceive it is normal, so can you all let me know on this? I usually don’t have an innate sense of if something that happened was 3 days ago or 3 weeks ago. I have to go by numerical dates, or if I don’t have those, I have to carefully go through the logical sequence of events and match up specific events before and after whatever I’m thinking of, and find numerical dates for those so that I can come up with a range and figure out when it was.
I can mostly remember things that happened yesterday as definitely having been yesterday, […]
I had a post a couple days ago where I mentioned I was very seriously considering killing myself that day. I don’t think anyone saw it so it probably doesn’t matter, but in case anyone did wonder, I’m still here.
Anyway, my therapist told me she thinks I am self-aware and articulate, and I’m pretty much still reeling from the fact that someone who has any insight into the inner workings of my mind would have anything even remotely complimentary to say. So there’s that, I guess.
Today someone was talking about suicide and he said no matter how bad it was it would get better. He then offered an anecdote of how he had a friend who had a friend who wanted to kill herself, and when she called up the friend and told him she wanted to kill herself and listed all the reasons why, he told her she was right but that she should wait a year, and then she did, and within a year her life had turned around, she was happy, etc. I want to know, where do people even come up with this bullsh*t?? do they just assume […]
As always, I’ve been thinking too much. If I didn’t think as much and as deeply as I do I’m certain I wouldn’t be suicidal and I’d be a much happier person. But I can see the truth about myself and it’s going to make me kill me.
I used to be better than this. I’ve been slowly declining over several years but it was only a little over a year ago when I started to realize there was a time limit on my facade of success. It has been a torturously slow spiral but sometimes I can feel the way it will speed up until I […]
the realisation that I deserve to suffer and to die. I’ve realized it time and time again but it hurts the same every time. every so often I feel myself loosening, thinking, well maybe I deserve a chance to live at least until I’m 18 or 21 or 30, but I know deep down I’m wrong. I know that every day I continue to live is another unforgivable sin.
I’m trying to quit only because if I carry on this way people are going to notice eventually. No one knows but my therapist, who I told because I can’t make myself stop and am hoping she can help me stop. But I love it so, so much. I love the pain and watching the blood, I love feeling like for once I’ve done enough, I’ve made up for my mistakes, I love having flexing my arm during day-to-day life later and having it twinge, I love it all. The only nuisance is people noticing. If not for that I could probably sit and cut […]
I was talking to my mother on the phone and she was yelling (this is hardly the first time and it’s not even a huge deal) and I just completely lost it, I started sobbing right there. I couldn’t even keep quiet and she noticed and asked why I was crying, and to make it worse I’m pretty sure my grandparents might have heard me too. I kept trying to put a hand over my mouth to not make noise but then my nose made noise when I gasped, and then I just pinched it too, which finally made me quiet but then I couldn’t breathe […]
ok before anyone thinks I’m trying to off myself again, I mean let myself not get stuff done.
I have exams in 3 days and have done quite literally nothing to even begin preparing for them. I need to study and get organized in order to be get the grades I need. I didn’t do anything yesterday after I tried to kill myself but it didn’t work (I’m physically fine just a little inconvenienced) and I didn’t do anything after classes today either. Thinking about how much I need to do and how I have done nothing is reinforcing all the reasons I want to off […]
today’s been one heck of a day for me and I’d like to thank everyone one more time for being here for me through it. I thought I’d share this song with you, it’s always been calming to me and is almost like a lullaby.
just for tonight, hold on.
I can’t f***ing believe it. The way I planned isn’t gonna work. I know I can’t talk about methods but suffice to say something went wrong that I did not realize could be an issue. Unfortunately I did not realize this until I already started trying. I’ll be fine, just in a small amount of pain for the next few days. I’ve done some pretty embarrassing things in my life but this is really up there, I can’t believe I couldn’t even managed to get this to work properly. I am feeling a strange mix of insane amusement (I was literally cracking up) and a […]
I decided last night to sleep on it and I’ve decided, I think today is the day. Thank you all for just being here; it was nice to be able to talk about my feelings somewhere.
I’m afraid but I know what I have to do. I’m only 15 and I know I am missing important things in my potential future but I can’t care anymore. I am most sorry about the scene this will cause and the people I’ll be hurting, but I just don’t want to live anymore and they’ve got to realize it’s for the best.
I hope all of you feel better, you […]
I wasn’t planning on it, but come to think of it tonight is as good a time as any. I could do it and not be found for long enough for it to have a shot at working.
I’ve been considering death for long enough that I know it isn’t a passing fancy. I also know that 2am is not the best time to make impulsive decisions with permanent consequences, but I thought to myself before that the only thing between me and death was the selfishness to stop caring about whatever effects my death will have on the people I leave behind (funny how inconsequential […]