yeah so I promised myself a year and a few months ago that I would kill myself if I stayed as bad I was then for a year or if I started getting that bad again. this is not the kind of life that is worth living- not because there is anything wrong with anything in my life. except for me. I am the only problem, and as I am in the same (or possibly an even worse) place after a year and a half, during all of which I have never once been glad to have been born, I can see that I will not be able to fix myself. I will keep repeating the same bullsh*t until I die. so I would like to make that sooner than later.
I’m not a nice person. I’m terribly overdramatic, selfish, and lazy. I possess self-awareness but I completely lack the desire/ability to fix myself. and I’ve finally screwed up my life so bad that now other people are actually starting to notice, which is, to be honest, shocking after all the shit I’ve done and no one has even asked if I was ok. it doesn’t make sense but I resent that none of the people who “care” about me bothered to ask about my wellbeing, even while I’m glad they haven’t because I don’t actually want to have to talk to them about it. see, my feelings don’t matter at all until other people find out about them and then have a reaction, which usually in turn makes me feel guilty for impeding on their lives. so I would prefer not to talk about it. the only person I can talk to is the psychologist, who doesn’t know about the image I try to project or the perceptions and expectations of everyone else I know.
I don’t think I will be able to successfully complete another year of school. I really feel like I’m getting worse and I know there is a possibility of trying meds for the first time this fall, but at this point I don’t think I want to keep living even if I knew for sure that I would be happier because to be frank what I’ve done this year is irreparable. and even if I somehow gained the energy and the desire to fix things, it wouldn’t matter, because I doubt there is a medication that can convince me that life is worth living again. as I said, I am very, very lazy, and it just seems exhausting. I hate having to drag myself out of bed every day. I have to go about life and run through the motions that are expected of me but I never get any kind of emotional or mental return besides exhaustion.
I’m actually in such a bad place that I think I might actually just outright tell my mother the truth about how bad I want to die. I’m so apathetic that I can’t even care about my own mother’s emotions above my own desire to tell someone about this. reason #99999999999 why I deserve to die, I guess. it would be interesting to see what would happen. maybe she would institutionalize me, though I’m not sure we can even afford that. but maybe she would anyway. would probably cry too. ugh, never mind. I’m not making her cry and worry about money more than my existence in general already has. my life is worth a hell of a lot less than her happiness. I’ll just let it be a surprise when I die. I won’t let her be the one to find the body.
It would be really impractical for me to do it this month because of where I am, and it would be pretty hard next month too, but I might have to do it next month anyway because I think after that she has to put down money for my education and I don’t want her to pay money that won’t go toward anything.
This is really long so thanks if you read.