yeah so I promised myself a year and a few months ago that I would kill myself if I stayed as bad I was then for a year or if I started getting that bad again. this is not the kind of life that is worth living- not because there is anything wrong with anything in my life. except for me. I am the only problem, and as I am in the same (or possibly an even worse) place after a year and a half, during all of which I have never once been glad to have been born, I can see that I will not be able to fix myself. I will keep repeating the same bullsh*t until I die. so I would like to make that sooner than later.
I’m not a nice person. I’m terribly overdramatic, selfish, and lazy. I possess self-awareness but I completely lack the desire/ability to fix myself. and I’ve finally screwed up my life so bad that now other people are actually starting to notice, which is, to be honest, shocking after all the shit I’ve done and no one has even asked if I was ok. it doesn’t make sense but I resent that none of the people who “care” about me bothered to ask about my wellbeing, even while I’m glad they haven’t because I don’t actually want to have to talk to them about it. see, my feelings don’t matter at all until other people find out about them and then have a reaction, which usually in turn makes me feel guilty for impeding on their lives. so I would prefer not to talk about it. the only person I can talk to is the psychologist, who doesn’t know about the image I try to project or the perceptions and expectations of everyone else I know.
I don’t think I will be able to successfully complete another year of school. I really feel like I’m getting worse and I know there is a possibility of trying meds for the first time this fall, but at this point I don’t think I want to keep living even if I knew for sure that I would be happier because to be frank what I’ve done this year is irreparable. and even if I somehow gained the energy and the desire to fix things, it wouldn’t matter, because I doubt there is a medication that can convince me that life is worth living again. as I said, I am very, very lazy, and it just seems exhausting. I hate having to drag myself out of bed every day. I have to go about life and run through the motions that are expected of me but I never get any kind of emotional or mental return besides exhaustion.
I’m actually in such a bad place that I think I might actually just outright tell my mother the truth about how bad I want to die. I’m so apathetic that I can’t even care about my own mother’s emotions above my own desire to tell someone about this. reason #99999999999 why I deserve to die, I guess. it would be interesting to see what would happen. maybe she would institutionalize me, though I’m not sure we can even afford that. but maybe she would anyway. would probably cry too. ugh, never mind. I’m not making her cry and worry about money more than my existence in general already has. my life is worth a hell of a lot less than her happiness. I’ll just let it be a surprise when I die. I won’t let her be the one to find the body.
It would be really impractical for me to do it this month because of where I am, and it would be pretty hard next month too, but I might have to do it next month anyway because I think after that she has to put down money for my education and I don’t want her to pay money that won’t go toward anything.
This is really long so thanks if you read.
2 comments
For someone who doesn’t care, you seem to care about about many things. Unfortunately, you are uniquely unqualified to judge yourself. Stop drinking your own negative kool-aid.
You are hurting, angry, fearful, and depressed. Instead of thinking you are wrong, you need to hold on to the idea that you’ve been in a “psychic car wreck.” 99% of ppl in terrible car wrecks go to the hospital – there is no debate about it. Spurting blood and broken bones are obvious signs that you need professional help.
Unfortunately, our society is slow to realize that spurting sadness and broken hope is a medical condition, too. Drugs and therapy may help. Honest discussions with those around you may help. Nothing is guaranteed, but if you don’t try something it’s guaranteed to never get better.
Walk in the light.
your kind of young i take it, most young people are lazy, it’s a hard life, you most likely will grow out of it, am i sounding hash? i don’t mean to be, i was young too! and the truth is i’m depressed myself! but in between those years of being that young and now being that old, there was a very happy period, reaching for the stars, actively pursuing my passions, it came later on after i left the nest, and was fun, you need to look beyond your present situation, once you get educated or a job a career life is much easier to cope with, i’m glad i did, however later on you may feel like you do now, i say wait till then.