Some say it gets better. Some say it never gets better, we only get better at dealing with it. But why do we need to get better at dealing with it? Who the hell wants to get better at dealing with scooping water out of a sinking boat that’s coming in faster… faster… faster?
That’s the point I’m at. And most of us are at. How do we know when we’re fighting a losing battle? How do we know when to throw in the towel? I sure as hell don’t know. I wonder, is there enough wrong in my life for me to leave this place? But then again, is there enough right for me to stay?
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It gets different, which makes it easier for me to deal with.
Different can be good, even if it’s not a better sort of different. Sometimes a change is just what you need to give you the will to keep going.
We’re all gonna die eventually – maybe even sooner than we’d imagine. Life sucks, but sometimes it doesn’t, so perhaps it’s worth trudging along for the moments that give us joy, make us smile, and feel light-hearted or at peace?
I dunno.
But yeah, my current life would have to be a thousand times better for it to feel truly worthwhile. What I’m doing isn’t “living,” it’s just “existing.”
If I keep hanging on, things might improve. Or maybe they won’t… but I guess that for now, I’m curious enough to wait it out… hoping that some of my dreams will come true.
(I’d like to punch myself in the face for that last sentence, but despite my cynicism I can’t help being slightly optimistic.)
I guess that’s what keeps us all here- the chance, however small, that things might actually improve. I know how unlikely it is for me though, as I’ve been doing that waiting game for months now and little change. Well, I’m in my late 30’s now and I can’t help but feel my best years are behind me it’s all downhill from here now.