weekend, more like a week now, that i have been in the same mood, state and motivational skill as i did last month when i swallowed pills to kill myself.
i dont know whats going on.
ive been a victim of depression, anxiety, PTSD and SAD for 2 years now, and yet i still have times where i dont know how to fight it.
i want to tell you that i will survive but i feel id be lying.
this week, the week after fathers day is the worst relapse ive had in a long time. I’m barely eating, barely drinking, not sleeping, im cutting again, im smoking way too many cigarettes and i just dont have any energy to anything except smoke weed. the cutting is getting bad again, and so are the suicidal thoughts. i dont know what to do. i just try to keep telling myself that this feeling will pass- but it just keeps getting worse. a relapse for me usually doesnt last longer than 5 days but im on my 12th day and nothing has changed except the ludness of the voices in my head telling me to just take the pills i have hiding in my drawer, and to cut as deep and hard as i can into my wrist’s until i bleed out.
i dont know what to do anymore. everyone thinks im becoming bad again and they want to take me back to the physc ward again. ive been tghere 6 times and if i went again theyd lock me down, thinking that i am insane. i really want this to pass, and i realize im rambling but im freaking out.
8 comments
A combination of depression, PTSD, and SAD is a dangerous cocktail. So it’s understandable that you still have times where you don’t know how to fight it. Try to stay calm, and try to eat and drink something. Also, try to get some sleep. The lack of these things is definitely aggravating the situation. I know this may be hard, but you should also talk to someone you trust, if you have any. Just talk about everything. Don’t worry about the threat of a psych ward, trying to cope with these things alone won’t solve your issues.
I don’t want to criticize your aproach, but when you are in anxious depression, you just can’t sleep, thats how it works. And eating, drinking doesn’t help anything also. I think there is reason why your body doesn’t want anything to be put in it, it just has too much other worries. I also think its not a big deal, you can go without eating few days and as you get better, u can eat it out. Talking definitely works.
It’s okay, constructive criticism never hurt anyone. I know it’s not easy, almost impossible, but a person should at least try. Even though there’s obviously a more serious overarching problem. Just a day without eating, drinking, and sleep impacts your thought processes heavily. It’s a mistake that many make. They ignore the basic needs of their body, which makes everything far worse. Like I said, it aggravates the problem. Doing those things would obviously not magically solve it, but it sure as hell makes things easier.
I don’t agree much. Of course sleeping is mostly good in any case, but thats just not much on a will part. Yes, there are techniques which work to some degree, but its not good to stres yourself even more that you are not sleeping. Better to have a walk, consolidate your thoughts, make yourself a little calmer – maybe you will fall asleep, maybe not, not a big deal.
With eating I really see it differently. You don’t need to eat 5 times a day, your body can handle not eating for few days without any problems and when you are stressed like fuck, the body knows why it doesn’t want to deal with more food. Forcing yourself too eat more will not help with anything, will not make you feel better in any world. Yes, take some light food like vegetables and fruit, have some water and tea, just don’t fight with your body, it doesn’t work.
There’s a big difference between eating five times a day and not eating anything for days. Even at my happiest, I don’t eat five times a day. Obviously you shouldn’t force yourself to eat more, but you should at least eat something. Also, various studies have shown that being hungry releases hormones that induces low impulse control and bad decision making. You may feel fine, but not eating and drinking does affect you, consciously or subconsciously. Anyway, I don’t think it’s a good idea to debate about hunger on a suicidal person’s post. But I thank you for your differing opinions.
Yeah, just last sentence. Its not about hunger at all. I don’t know if you experienced this state of mind, but you don’t feel hungry at all. You feel like food is something totally indifferent. As depression wears of a bit, hunger will come.
Do you know whats your stressor? If you know what starts your depressions, the only way is to avoid it at any cost and come back way later when you are ok.
I started and eraced this comment about six times. I’d like to say I know how you are feeling, but truthfully I don’t. No one could, your feelings are unique to you and no one else. I do undertand that cycling though. I cycle quickly, sometimes over a day but typically over three or four days. If it goes longer than that I get seriously worrie. A few months back I kept getting worse no matter what I did, and I have a lot of tools in my mental toolchest to reference when I start getting really bad. All I can say is keep walking forward and keep your cuts clean. Eating, well for me eating is a control thing when I get really bad. I start thinking if I can control my eating perhaps I can control my out of control mental state. It rarely works. I got down to 89 pounds about 15 years back when I was going through a really really rough patch. Instead of anyone doing a damn thing to snap me out of it, I just got a lot of comments about how good I looked. Seriously loved ones? I’m a fucking bag of bones that hasn’t slept in weeks who thinks God is mandating she do this an that and you think I look terrific? sigh. Fucking family. No wonder I moved as far away as I could. Who wouldn’t right?
It is good you recognize this in yourself though, even if you are cutting again. Even if you feel totally insane. I white knuckle it a lot in my life. Pick what helped you snap out of it last time and force yourself to begin doing it. Or just allow yourself to go inpatient if that stabilized you last time. I will be thinking of you this weekend.
HDS