There’s still things I want to do with this life. But I don’t think I can. It’s hard to explain.
I don’t think I can ever feel a real connection with anyone, because of what I’ve done, and who I am. I’m never able to really enjoy the company of others, or really invest in friendships. I just can’t shake the anxiety I feel with other people. The realization that if they knew who I really was they wouldn’t want anything to do with me makes it all seem hollow. Any relationship I form is a deceit. By conning people into caring about me, I’m wronging them. And although I’m an awful person, I’m not a sociopath. I still have a conscience. I still feel shame. I often ignore those things. But I can never completely shake them. And they stop me from feeling the enjoyment most people get with others.
Is a life lived completely alone worth living? I don’t know. Maybe for some people. If I was on a desert island, cut off from everyone else, maybe it would be fine. But being surrounded by people, I’m constantly confronted by what I actually want from life, but can’t have. So instead of appreciating the beauty of the night sky, or a piece of music, or enjoying playing with my dog, my mind keeps interrupting. ‘Oh look, there’s someone else in a happy relationship/enjoyable friendship/fulfilling career. Isn’t that something we should be working on?!’ And then I stress myself out trying to figure out some way I can dig myself out of the hole I’ve created. Rather than just living in the moment.
I’m constantly caught between feeling like what I want is so possible, without being able to see any way I could actually enjoy any of it. It would all just be hollow.
3 comments
i’m constantly surrounded by people and i don’t want what they have, i’ll know what i wait when i find it.
Maybe you just haven’t been with the right people yet. Meet people who share the same interests as you.
I understand. It’s like holding out a candy bar to a child and just as they reach for it, it’s snatched away. Just out of reach. We can see what we want, but can’t find a way to ever get it. Like your idea of being on a desert island, at least we wouldn’t have temptation constantly waved in front of our faces. I also feel like a fraud in relationships, the few I do have. I am trying to present the “ideal” version of myself, but never letting on the depths of darkness that are really inside. I don’t know how long that can last, I really don’t.