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The Whispers

by SilentVoices

Sometimes, you wonder where those whispers in your mind originate from.

These are not strange voices that I hear, nor do they frighten me. They are perhaps a hybrid between my thoughts and subconscious. But they are there. Not loud, but not so soft to just dismiss as thoughts. They are intrusive, and some days, relentless. The whispers sound… Familiar. Maybe they take on my own voice… Or at least what I think I sound like in my head.

Some days they are silly, commenting on little quirks throughout the day. I do not think of much them during such times. Other days, when I have fallen into an unbearable low, they are draining. Tiresome. During those days when I have to use every last bit of energy to perform daily tasks, the whispers are as clear as day:

Why do you even bother?They hate you. You’re making a fool of yourself.

Is this really going to lead to anything in your life?

Why do you even try?

Just sleep. Just go home. There’s no use trying.

You. Are. Worthless. Absolutely, worthless as a human being.

You should just die already.

Pathetic.

I know it is only in my head. I am well aware that my mood is low and this is a result of my depression. But the whispers are there. And I can not make them go away.

Pathetic.

I continue to work. My hands are a little shakier. I find trouble concentrating, but I try anyways. I repeat the numbers of my task in my head to try and ignore the whispers.

Worthless. Don’t even try.

Some days the whispers get so bad that tears well up in my eyes. My chest hurts, my heart pounds rapidly, my hands shake. I should run to the bathroom, before anyone sees me. On these days, I feel there is no way I can survive another day.

No one cares. They see right past you.

The whispers are right. At least, it feels like they are right. That is the world I have always known. Everything now just feels like a lie. It is as if the whispers are trying to send me this message.

I bite my lip and continue to work. I avoid eye contact with everyone around me. Just work. Pretty soon it is the end of the day, I pack up, say my goodbyes to fellow co-workers and walk briskly home. The moment I step through the door, I fall onto my couch and the whispers begin.

Why are you even trying?
– Why indeed?
No one likes you. You’re all alone.
– But that is the way it has always been…
You’re pathetic. Absolutely worthless.
– I know… I know.
Just kill yourself already.
– I have tried. It is never as easy as it seems.
Just die.
– But why? Maybe tomorrow will be better…
You know it won’t be.
— But maybe…

I grow exhausted and my eyelids grow heavy each evening after this ritualistic argument between myself and… Myself. But the next day, a new, clearer voice begins repeating:

I’m shattered.
I’m shattered.
Help me, I’ve shattered.

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3 comments

Akira_Watanabe.999 7/1/2016 - 1:07 am

I can relate to having my own mental problems affect my life in drastic ways. I tell myself subconsciously that I am just a number in this billion numbered gene pool where only the strong and rich survive. I just can’t take it any longer have seeked help but my own thoughts have ruined all opportunities as well in romance I just felt ugly and simple for a girl I saw as superior and amazing but ended up self sabotaging myself infront of everyone and lost possibly the love of my life. In short sorry for the long response I have to deal with this issue as well and have slight faith in someday silencing my voices and experience life.

SilentVoices 7/1/2016 - 2:14 am

Akira, you should know how strong of a person you are for being able to realize all of that about yourself! And I find that absolutely motivating. The fact that you can acknowledge what might have gone wrong and to hold onto hope that maybe… Just maybe, you can work on these and build your world up again is an absolutely valuable mental skill.
And I don’t say this with ease. I have the same self-doubt about myself that you might have. But I absolutely believe in having things work out for the better for others out there, and you are no exception.

You don’t have to apologize for long replies. Mine was just as long 🙂 I very much appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me! Stay strong and build fortitude! (As cliche as it sounds, but I say this from the bottom of my heart) Our worlds may suck, the voices may tell us we’re pathetic, but we can do what very few others have the courage to do: recognize, accept, and forge on. Whether the whispers are quiet or loud, we still live.

Akira_Watanabe.999 7/1/2016 - 3:37 am

Yeah truly amazing how someone miles away feels similar to you when your thoughts make you believe your the only one but knowing people like yourself fight through this my perception of life has changed and hopefully all of us can find solutions to our issues and like I’ve stated live life to all emotions not just darkness and hopelessness.

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