update

Hello friends,

I warn you that this is a very long post!! TLDR I’m feeling suicidal tonight and worrying about acting on my thoughts so thought I’d reach out but also wanted to update any interested readers as to my journey with TMS, which is why it’s so long.

Also update to the update: somehow made it through the morning and did not OD despite staring at the pills so that is a good thing. Trying to get to sleep now.

Original post:

I’m sorry I haven’t kept with my promise of updating you all as far as the TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) treatment. The reason I’m posting today to update is because I am very suicidal tonight to the extent of counting all the miscellaneous pills I had left and planning on taking them all. That was a little over two hours ago and I figured I’d go on here to reach out and of course I read through the last two weeks of posts that I missed. I was sad to hear about Ant, whose music I admired, as well as the involvement of police, which I find completely unacceptable – it goes against everything this site is for. I also wanted to reach out to Cordless to say that I hope you are doing okay and that I am sorry about your wrist and your neck. I think you’re a good person and I really like your music and artwork as well. Artistic tendencies and depression seem to go hand in hand – which you can see with the huge amount of talent on this site. Couldn’t bring that correlation up without also mentioning HDS and her beautiful artwork! I especially loved the bird 🙂

As far as TMS, the first seven sessions of TMS were all about the same. No mood difference that I could notice. Slight headache, slight tenderness where the coil was applied which sometimes felt like a burning sensation during the session, as the coil was very tight up against my head. On the 8th session I felt a huge change. One thing the drs did differently starting with the 8th session was added a PTSD regimen, so that in addition to the treatment on the left side of my prefrontal cortex, they also do a similar treatment (but only about half as many pulses) on the right side, as that is currently in clinical trials for PTSD and has shown a lot of promise… Yay comorbid disorders. Epilepsy, anxiety, depression, ptsd, Oh my! (sung like Wizard of Oz)

Anyway, after the 8th session, I felt a huge change. Leaving the appointment I felt like colors were brighter, like I was more aware. It almost felt like I took a half tab of acid (I swear I didn’t!!) – it really felt like I was slightly tripping (no hallucinations though). Especially because the more vibrancy in the colors. I was grinning ear to ear and it was like a great cloud had been lifted. I did not have suicidal thoughts daily for the first time in god knows how many years, I figure about 10 years and I’m 23. This was really a turning point. I felt like it was a miracle. If I hadn’t experienced this myself, I wouldn’t believe the TMS testimonials of feeling like “light vs. day.” But I really felt a huge change.

The following few days my mood stayed up, but then I got really down and started feeling awful again. Still not as many suicidal thoughts, but they started creeping back up and the typical uncontrollable crying, self hatred, etc crept back in. Saturday was Session 13 and I also had therapy. My therapist was extremely concerned as apparently I had been seeming like I was making great progress and was back to square 1 with hating myself, having no future outlook, etc. Now it’s Sunday night, and I am back to seriously considering suicide. I hadn’t felt that way since before the 8th session of TMS which was May 26.

I talked to the TMS coordinators about my mood going down from being so up (I don’t really get “ups” so this was unusual for me) and they said most of their patients start feeling “up” around the 3rd week, but some feel “up” earlier and then have mood swings between “up” and “down” and that this was perfectly normal, and that the mood should stabilize and stay “up” around week 3 or 4. As far as my “regimen” goes, unfortunately I don’t have pulse strength information but after they added the PTSD regimen I am now doing 80 pulses over 4 seconds on the left side of my prefrontal cortex, with a 30-something second break in between pulses, for about 30 minutes, and then 40 pulses over 2 seconds on the right side of my prefrontal cortex, with a 20-something second break in between pulses, for about 15 minutes.

Even though I’m suicidal again, I’m still optimistic about this treatment. I think part of the reason I got so down, and part of the reason I am suicidal today, is because I started my period recently. I get really bad depression right before my period starts and then feel very suicidal while I’m on my period, so it makes sense. This I will bring up to my doctor (not the suicide part) as maybe there’s additional medicine that can help. Right now I’m on 1000 mg of depakote 2x a day for epilepsy and mood stabilization, 1 mg of prazosin in the morning, at lunch, and 2 mg before bed for ptsd, and .5 mg xanax prn. The more the merrier, eh?

In other news, I had 8 days of sobriety until I relapsed last Saturday (memorial day weekend). Then I started drinking and smoking weed Saturday and Sunday, and then drinking, smoking weed, and doing coke Monday through Saturday. I really didn’t enjoy it, but couldn’t stop. Today, Sunday, was day 1 of sobriety, so I’m starting over and got my butt to a meeting. I also decided to get my butt back on this site, as I’m not doing so well, and am really considering overdosing in case it works, even though I know the odds aren’t in my favor (or are in my favor, however you look at it). Anyway, that’s it for the update. Sorry for the long post. I love you guys. Stay strong <3