I’m not really sure what I’m doing, still living. I have my selfish reasons for wanting to live. But I’m not pursuing them. Maybe I don’t really want it that much. Maybe I know on some level it’s pointless. So what am I still doing here?
Ending my life would hurt my family a great deal. That’s a bad thing. I don’t want to do that. But I’m selfish. The idea of lingering on as this pathetic broken thing for their sake doesn’t hold much weight. I seemingly don’t care enough to get my shit together and live a life that won’t bring them shame either. Maybe I’m waiting for them to disown me. It’s bound to happen sooner or later, if I just keep avoiding life. But doing that would still hurt them a great deal. It’s just drawing it out over a longer period. So what the fuck am I doing?
I’m not really sure that existence is a good thing. For anyone. There seems to be so much cruelty and suffering intrinsic to the process. Everything is living at the expense of something else. How many animals have died so that I can eat? I don’t think I’m worth it. What the fuck am I doing?
I’m scared civilization is coming to an end. Rapid climate change threatens to devastate food production. The ice caps are vanishing, which will eventually swamp most of the world’s largest cities. Large areas of the planet are going to become uninhabitable. Where are all those hungry refugees going to go? Disease, famine, war – all that good stuff is coming to burst our neat little bubble.
Maybe not. Maybe I’m just being pessimistic. Maybe I want to believe the worst. Maybe if the world’s coming to an end, it doesn’t matter so much that I’ve screwed up my life. Or maybe it will all happen, and it’s for the best. Maybe it’s good that we go extinct. No more suffering, no more struggle. What the fuck am I thinking?
I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m drifting through life on autopilot, hoping things will magically work out if I just hide my head in the sand for long enough. It’s not going to happen. But I don’t know what else to do.
I don’t know how to resolve all the competing narratives in my head. I should be dead. No, I should live for my family! No, I should live to pursue my own selfish goals! No, I should seek out some greater meaning from the world! No, I should make myself suffer as punishment for what I am! No, it’s all meaningless anyway!
I’m trying to hold too many conflicting thoughts together. I wish I could just be one person. I might actually do something.
20 comments
Aye… I can totally relate to feeling like more than one person. I often say my thoughts are as tangled as a bowl of spaghetti.
You think suicide is selfish? I find that absurd. I am so sorry for you but in my case, how am i supposed to make others around me happy if i’m not happy. It’s a vicious cycle. I’ve had many friends commit suicide, do i feel sad about it? Yea sometimes, but that is because of what we could be missing out on in the future. Whether or not suicide is the right option is uncertain in any case.
My family acts as if they care, same as anyone around a sick person. But people never have the time for anyone other than themselves. Clinics or crisis centers, hospitals have been all useless for me. Mostly they just want to drug you, push you out in the world and ask “how does that make you feel” but it never goes any further then that.
No, I think I’m selfish, and not selfless enough to live purely for the sake of others, even though that’s what I often feel I should do. This post was not in judgement on anyone else. I know what killing myself would do to my family. It would destroy them. Your situation may be very different. Your pain may be that much more unbearable. This post was only about me.
If you’re worried about animals, you can always become vegetarian. I ate a couple of vegan sausages tonight that were actually pretty good. One gets used to not consuming meat after awhile. (I’m a pescetarian, though. I still eat fish and seafood.)
Ayyye me too
^Me three.
Yeah, I’ve tried that (even went vegan for a while.) Health issues make it seem too hard now though. But it’s more than that – it’s like it’s built into the way the world works. I don’t know how to be ok with that.
Life feeds on life. Even if we all turned vegetarian– plants were once alive too.
Is it the ignorance about the way the animals are treated before slaughter that bothers you? Or just the fact that we need to consume things to live? The blatant disregard many have about what exactly they are consuming? That’s what bothers me about it. That many go into the grocery store and buy meat in packages, and don’t connect with the idea that they are consuming something that was living/breathing.
I guess I’m kind of a hypocrite (who isn’t?)… I eat sea creatures. But I appreciate that something lost its life so I can fill my belly.
Have you ever tried doing a small fast? It changes the way you look at food/consumption.
No i am not upset. I just think suicide is never a selfish decision. If you are worried about other peoples feeling so difficult much it affects\ uou neglect your own, it’s redundant. Most everyone will have people who will miss them but they can get help with that and realize the person who commited suicide was hurting. Not that it was their fault and they do not need to follow in your foosteps. That they can be cintent in the fact that person is not suffering any longer.
@djarumblack:
Yeah, I think it’s just the fact that we need to consume things to live that bothers me. And that it’s usually at the expense of something (or someone) else. Everything struggles so hard to survive – to just get crushed sooner or later.
I’ve gone a few days without food before, but not as a purposeful fast.
@the husk: I get what you’re saying… But death is inevitable. Every living thing deserves to die, because every living thing deserves to live. You know? Death is a part of life, just as much as being born was. It’s natural. It’s out of our control. Even if someone decides to go ahead and take their own life- the fact that they can die at all is not actually their choice. Just like being born was not their choice.
Rambling rambling (sorry)
Anyway, You didn’t choose that you have to consume things to live. But you can choose to accept it (if you want to). You can also choose what you do consume. Idk. Food for thought (pun totally intended)
The suffering part sucks though (for all living things)… Hard to swallow.
Heh. Yeah, I know, facts of life. I try to accept it. It just seems….wrong, somehow. Maybe I spent too much time watching disney films as a kid or something.
Nah, you just have a big heart. I understand where you’re coming from.
It’s crazy to me that your post is titled “Weak”… because it takes someone strong to feel the things you do in this world. You care a lot (from what I’ve gathered during this small exchange) you seem highly empathic. That makes life hard to endure sometimes. It makes living your life for yourself hard.
You are stronger than you know.
No i am not upset. I just think suicide is never a selfish decision. If you are worried about other peoples feeling so difficult much it affects\ uou neglect your own, it’s redundant. Most everyone will have people who will miss them but they can get help with that and realize the person who commited suicide was hurting. Not that it was their fault and they do not need to follow in your foosteps. That they can be cintent in the fact that person is not suffering any longer.
I’m sorry, I just don’t think it’s that simple. Again, I’m not judging your situation. But in the same way many here feel like it’s impossible to move on from the pain they’re in, even with therapy, relatives of suicides are often ruined by it. It can wreck their lives.
I’m not saying that’s true for everyone. I’m sure some can come to understand that those they’ve lost were in pain and be glad that they’re suffering is over. Only you can know those you leave behind.
For me, I believe my family would try to be strong. They’d go to therapy. They’d try to understand. And I believe they’d still suffer a huge amount. It might well break them.
*their suffering
Sorry about the double post still have not figured this page out yet
I LIKE IT GOOD TRICK! HOW DO YOU DO THAT! 🙂
No idea i was actually trying to reply to husks comment but it just auto filled my response with that entire previous post