Wow oh wow. The level of ambivalence towards my existence is amazing. It took me over a year to realize that. The number of successful relationships is also the number of failed relationships as well, because they are the same. I was blessed with a friend here, or a girlfriend there, and then for one reason or another, I lose them because of my idiocy. I just wish I had appreciated those relationships when they were there instead of giving in to “social pressures” or whatever that is. What was wrong with me. What is wrong with me. Now I can’t call anyone my friend. I can’t call anymore my lover. For that matter, no one can call me their friend either.
What’s the point of living when you have no one to live for?
I’ve tried sooooooooooooo hard to make friends or go on dates with people. I’m never invited to activities and I never get people to accept my invitations. I’ve lived in denial this past year just saying I’ll try again. I’ll try again. I’ll try again. And that’s exactly what happened. I kept trying. But how long does a man have to “keep trying” before he breaks down and has nothing left in him to give anymore? All the motivation I’ve given to my situation has been spent. I tried and I failed. There’s no one else to blame but myself for my situation, so I will accept the bed I have made. So now there’s no point to live because no one cares. People post on this site trying to get their stories heard, and in the comments you will see that people “care”, but really, do you think about the person you commented on a week later? I know I don’t… unfortunately.
So the only thing I have left to give the world is a bullet to the brain. There’s no motive to do anything else. No point in living if you don’t have any human connection to look forward to. I didn’t always think like this. I was very much in denial when it came to seeking relationships of any kind. I keep thinking to myself there are always more people out there…… But now I sense a pattern: no one will ever like me for who I am. They might like what they see for a few days, maybe a few weeks, but, without fail, they always turn me away. The last person to have to turn me away is me. It’s time to reject myself.
4 comments
That’s human interactions for you I guess we are meant to only be together with people who are blood related or have a bond related to children who share our blood. I have no friends and the ones I had are long forgotten and are doing far better without my nihilist thoughts. I personally would recommend you stay and fight throught the pain and get comfortable being alone or find someone and make bond that ties you together and make it work out I mean not all relationships fail some even last a lifetime. I wish you the best and to your success.
You had success in the past with other people, why not keep on living and try to better the record. Also, it’s unfortunately a fact of life that people come and go out of a person’s world, and I highly doubt that every exit out of your life was solely due to your actions. There’s a wide variety of reasons why people leave. O and I think, a week later, about the people I commented on. I may not “care” in the traditional sense, but I don’t want people to live a life of pain.
I can relate. I am driving away everybody with my constant misery, and my past is a graveyard of promising relationships/friendships that failed and went south. I heartily wish I was wholly introverted and not a needy Borderline Personality, because I get to feel humiliated and pathetic on top of the loneliness. I know people with less social contact than I have who are reasonably satisfied, stable and content. I find the shame and humiliation of my lonely state one of the worst parts about it. I go to walk-in counselling centres in my city just to have a real person to talk to. It’s pitiful.
Sorry for the typically self-absorbed response to your post I am out. I should probably have just said ‘I can relate’ and left it at that but I couldn’t resist over-sharing.
Thanks for everyone’s response. It’s okay to be kinda self absorbed on here. The only way to be depressed is to feel some kind of self pity, otherwise it’s just your typical sadness brewing. Sharing your sympathies does help a little because I’m just so deprived of human contact in I’m all forms. I’m a faithful church goer, but every Sunday when I attend I never feel more lonely even when I’m alone in my room. It sucks.