It hurts to much.

I remember back in high school I’d be called names and be bullied verbally and physically.  At the time if you were to tell me I’d long for those days to come back, I’d say you were just as bad as those bullies.  But the day has come that I wish I’d be bullied again… because then I wouldn’t be alone anymore.  Being abused is preferable to being completely isolated and stuck in solitude. I literally have no friends, and believe me, I’ve tried to make friends.  I try and try and try and try and try and no kind of relationship sticks for longer than the conversation lasts.

I don’t have a single friend. This is not an exaggeration or hyperbole. I don’t even have a single enemy.  Maybe I should go to Syria and get captured by ISIS, so at least someone would acknowledge my existence.  Plus it could double as my suicide.  Yeah.  That’s actually sounding like a good idea.  Not only do I get some actual human interaction (in the form of physical torture, I’m sure), but I get to pioneer a new form of suicide.  Death by terrorist.

I’m being completely serious here guys.  I’d honestly take some lunatic terrorists capture me over the feeling of being completely alone any longer.  Its the worst form of torture, being completely isolated when you’re among a crowd of people.

I don’t want to be alone anymore.  What is wrong with me.  Why doesn’t anyone want to be my friend.  Why doesn’t anyone even want to talk to me?????? Why don’t I exist anymore? I’m not even worth an insult to someone else.  There’s no point in living anymore.  If I don’t exist then I am I still alive? This must be some cruel joke.  I guess God is the ultimate bully to want me to still be alive but be unwanted and ignored in every way.