Maybe I am invisible?

I fighter all year with myself to make friends (I have social anxiety so it’s hard). I tried to be more outgoing, I tried to talk (but I was ignored and everyone talked over me), I tried to make friends. I even was invited two times, but only because I asked if I could go too. And now is summer and they all are going out, parties, paintball, beach, camping and no one invited me. I feel like a ghost. Every year the same thing happens. I make a small group of friends and then everybody forgets me, like I never existed.  In every class the teacher chooses my group for group works because nobody chooses me, no one! Everybody runs choosing their pals and I stay there, invisible, alone and sad. Lately I have started to think that maybe I am invisible. Sometimes I feel invisible (but probably is my paranoia and other weird things I have talking). But my psychologist said “hey be more outgoing, talk more, be yourself and people will include and invite you” well, here are the results.

When I found out my “friends” were going out without me I had an anxiety attack and now I feel horrible. I feel a monster and that everything is my fault. Well, I don’t need them, I have my dogs and my pc were I can be hours doing stuff I like. But then I ask myself, if this is happening since ever, how I will find the love of my life? How will I make friends and be normal?

And you know the worst part? Some of them knew that I have social anxiety and that I never had friends and that I never was included and never did nothing for me. And they were saying we were friends! Well, to me that’s not being a friend. I feel used… And really suicidal and with a urge to hurt me…

I haven’t being here for a “big while” because I was feeling better. I hope everyone is ok and still alive.