My suicide story

TRIGGER WARNING; SUICIDE ATTEMPT, HOSPITAL, INTENSIVE CARE

For those of you who don’t know CAMHS stands for Child/ Adolescent Mental Health services here in the UK

I’ve always thought it was important to share your stories of mental illness with your friends, family, or just people who know you. Just to reduce stigma by addressing the realities of mental illness. For me, telling my story is therapeutic but also i have no reason not to tell it? I have nothing to be embarrassed about, it shouldn’t be a big deal to talk about depression or suicide or any other mental disorder, these are common things to experience and maybe one person will read this and feel they can reach out and get help.
So since I was 13 the whole way through secondary school I have suffered with different forms of mental disorders, including anxiety, OCD, low self-esteem and depression. I begged my parents to get me help, I couldn’t live feeling so anxious and sad anymore and didn’t know what else to do. I was struggling with something I didn’t know how to express taking it out on everyone around me in anger. I was self harming almost daily as a way of getting through the day, although people knew about it I still felt so alone. From the age of 13-18 I was in and out of CAMHS but never given an official diagnosis until I was about 16 when I was first placed on medication for anxiety and depression which i would be on throughout my GCSES and into my A levels which did help but made me feel numb and clouded.
It was during my first year of my A levels that my self harming got bad again, and suicidal thoughts were no longer just thoughts and became serious plans. Day dreaming of suicide and the end of pain got me through my days, until one day i realised that I couldn’t go on living like this anymore, I couldn’t bare it. It’s not that I necessarily wanted to die I just wanted an end to the pain and saw no other option, no one knew how to help me and even medication wasn’t helping me anymore. I was desperate. I overdosed on about 50 of my strong setraline tablets but wasn’t overly sure of the effects this would have on my body. After taking them I panicked, I was in a serious crisis and I was going to die, but I didn’t want to be alone. I called an ambulance and was taken to hospital about 2 hours after taking them, shivering and vomiting. Alone and scared I sat there in hospital on a drip, my parents were called but upset and crying at my bedside. This was the first time it was suggested that I may not have depression and it may be something else like borderline personality disorder but this was not followed up as they can’t make this diagnosis at 17. 2 days later despite how desperate and unsafe I was it was suggested that I should be discharged home with an offer of a CAMHS appointment in a week, baring in my mind both my parents work full time. But my condition deteriorated and I needed treatment in the Intensive Care Unit as my kidneys stopped working properly. I had a central line inserted into my neck, i was on about 5 drips at once trying to rid my system of the toxins making me dizzy and stopping my kidneys working.

After the scary experience of the ICU, I was discharged home only to be readmitted to hospital 3 more times within a month with severe self harm and overdoses again. Nothing had changed I felt more desperate and a suicide attempt was looking more and more appealing. On the 19th of March 2015 I took 75 300 mg aspirin tablets, it was pre-planned and I knew exactly how many to take to kill me. I became very unwell, I was found outside the hospital by an off duty doctor who took me to A&E. My breathing began to fail, as did my kidneys, I was vomiting blood and went deaf. My body was turning acid meaning my cells and organs were dying slowly. I was told it was a life or death situation if immediate intervention was not started. Again I had a central line inserted I was placed on loads of drips/medications and it was so severe I had to be placed on continuous dialysis for 3 days, I was conscious through all the pain and sickness and procedures, although I was extremely drowsy. I had a chest X-RAY to make sure there was no permanent damage to my lungs. I survived this experience with no long term effects to my organs but my support level was not increased, again I was discharged after an evaluation from CAMHS home.
I got more support at the next hospital admission when my mum found double the amount of pills which I had planned to take. 4 MONTHS after the initial suicide attempt, my support levels were increased to 3 days per week, plus home visits if I needed them with the hope service. But it had to get this bad for support to be increased.
During this time my parents were heartbroken, but i was unable to empathize with them due to how unwell I was. I had to leave education and I couldn’t socialise or even leave my house as I was too depressed and too unsafe. My money and freedom had been taken away from me for my safety.