I don’t think I am really cut out for this life anymore.
I have been through so much shit in my life and I always work hard to try and turn things around for the better.. but what always happens > is once things start to get good again. Life throws me some bad curve ball…. some big fucked up thing that messes everything up and then I wind up back in the shit again. I’m tired of having all these big issues to deal with… and having a shitty life compared to other people.
I used to believe in God Like big time.. and that always gave me hope that God would watch over me and help me in my distressful times. But now I am losing faith in that. I am starting to really think that I just wasn’t meant to be alive. I am starting to think that life as a human being in this world the way it is currently is just NOT FOR ME>
I want out. I want my life to end. I am tired of it. I’m tired of fighting battles that are not win able.
I think when the cards were dealt out to each person when life began… I just wound up with a really crappy hand. I have tried to improve upon the hand I was dealt with everything I got but I have come to realize. Its a losing battle.
I think I am going to start a countdown. > I am going to just keep working on my bucket list as closely as I can..and then once I get all my bucket list items crossed off I am just going to end my life.
I really dont want to live too much longer and get super old anyway.
So I am giving myself another few years then I am done. During these last few years I will just live in such a way as to make the best of things and enjoy my time on earth as much as possible. Im just not cut out to live a super long life. Im going to start living on the edge and then end it when the time comes. Fuck it I was never cut out for this life anyway.
9 comments
For what it’s worth PhantomCitizen43, I could almost have written your post myself. I’m 54, and started on a steep downward trajectory at 50 – from shit, to super-shit. I’m chronically suicidal now, it is my only comfort and some kind of messed-up coping strategy. A kind of hobby, let’s say. Well, I notice that you still have a bucket-list. Things you want to do? I dream of having things I want to do lol. And it’s a worthwhile aspiration to enjoy your last few years.
Thank you for the vicarious catharsis. For some of us, let’s face it, it never ‘gets better’.
Thanks Louise52, yeah, I really really try to make things better for myself all the time. and YES, I do get some good times here and there. But usually as I already stated that once things start to get good again. Some bullshit issue comes along and then I wind up back to where I was before…. in this state where things are tough and I am wondering if its even worth it to go on anymore.
Life is not always easy. I can be good at times… but I have too much shit to deal with and I am getting very frustrated at it all. Thanks for replying to my post and I hope that things get better for both of us.
I’ve experienced something similar. I go through adversity and I mean big time….PTSD causing stuff and finally get to point where I’m look ok I have something going right for me. Yes. I have hope for this life and then all of a sudden that gets taken away or I lose something else. I get so tired of having hope. Knowing that I will just get hurt again. God has helped me but not to keep me from pain but to show me the only hope that actually lasts is my relationship with Him. Everything else has the possibility to fall by the wayside
I’ve been looking at your post all morning wondering what to say, how’s this i hate life to a lot of the time and feel the same way, your not alone, nobody’s happy, not very positive but that’s the way the cookie crumbles, continue to do your best, that’s what i’m doing. i think i’ll pour a shot and watch a stupid funny movie? and remember not to take life that serious, know one gets out alive anyway.
Yeah I guess your right.. Try not to take life so seriously. BUT on the other hand if your have serious problems…. then well. It can get difficult.
thanks for your reply to my post.
I hope things get better for all of us.
Do you think i really got it made or something? i’m dying over here! 🙂
I hear what you say about your faith in god. It’s hard to believe when you see how unfair life is. It’s even harder when your the one on the receiving end of a shit deal that your powerless to improve no matter what you try. Then again maybe he does exist, maybe he’s just a prick.
I know you have it ruff Rocketman. But I wish the best for you!!!
I hope things turn around for you… Best wishes.
This resonates with me, especially the part about how life the way it currently is, is just “not for me”.
The good parts I want are the parts I don’t have,
And
The bad parts I don’t want are what I have in abundance.
I’m working on my bucket list too.
Post it, and keep SP updated on what’s been done.
When it’s all done, maybe you will keep adding more things to the list.
I seem to recall that was your advice to me. 😉