I keep finding myself looking back at the past, full of regret. If only I’d been a bit more brave, a bit more outgoing. All of this could have been avoided. I could’ve had a worthwhile life.
But the truth is, there were reasons for every single choice I made. I wasn’t free to just disregard my crippling fear, and jump into situations I perceived as hostile.
It’s possible things could’ve turned out differently, if the universe had been different. But every choice I made was formed long before I became aware of it. And given the circumstances, and who I was at the time, it was the only choice I could’ve made.
Those opportunities are gone now. Except they were never there. Not really. Not for me. Some people are born just to fail. It’s hard to be part of the world, knowing you’re one of them. That it was never within your control to live a worthwhile life. Perhaps it’s easier to cling to the idea that things really could have been different.
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You pretty much took the words out of my mouth. I feel the same way about missing out of the opportunities I had in the past. I too feel that if I seized those choices that my life my had different outcome. You are not the only one in that boat
That’s unfortunately part of life, we have to make peace with the choices made, we can’t change the past. Things that happened that were out of our control are, arguably, trickier. There’s an inherent “unfairness”, due to us having had no control. Not that it’s much of a consolation.
Do you think you regret most the things you have done and wish you hadn’t, or the things you never got to do and wish you had?
That’s a tricky one. The things that I’ve done make it feel impossible to really move on, and do some of the things I’d like to do in the future. If I could go back and change them, I would. But then I’d have to somehow change the person I was when I did them.
The things that I never got to do hurt more. They’re the things I dream about.
Okay. So, you are saying that you are a different person than you were when you did some of those things that you regret? That’s interesting, because I’ve never heard you say that sort of thing before.
What are some of those things that you didn’t get to do?
Sorry for just asking questions. I know that that isn’t exactly a conversation.
I wouldn’t really say I’m a different person from then. What motivated me then is still within me now. I can feel it. All that’s changed is the circumstances. Although it’s been a while, I know I could flip back at any point, and a large part of me wants to. It really wouldn’t take much.
But if I could magically go back and prevent myself from going down that road, from becoming who I am now, I would. It would mean changing the thoughts and motivations that drove me long before I acted in that way – it would essentially mean completely changing my personality.
The things I didn’t get to do are fairly cliche. Relationships I didn’t pursue, experiences I never had etc. I essentially shut myself off from the world at the age of 15. No parties, no carefree moments, no real friends.
Questions are fine, but I’m afraid the answers may be a bit cagey.