This is just more of me trying to work through my own crap, so please feel free to ignore.
I don’t know how to live. When there’s no real hope of things getting better. When it gets a tiny bit worse every day.
How do you make yourself go on? How do you force yourself to be part of the world when everything you come across is a reminder that you are completely alone, and that your existence is worthless? When every effort you make just drives home in your mind how utterly screwed you are.
I want to rage at the world. And at myself. I want to burn it all down.
Except I don’t want to hurt anyone. Not really. I just want this to stop. These feelings, these thoughts, this me. I want not to be this anymore. But I don’t know how to be anything else. Every plan I make to change is sabotaged by the fact that it was me who made the plans. Some things you just can’t change. Some things you just have to live with.
But I don’t know how. I don’t want to die, but I don’t know how to live with this. To keep getting up and putting my shoulder to the wheel knowing that it’s never going to go anywhere.
Anyway, here’s one of my favorite songs. For a few minutes things seem a tiny bit more bearable.
‘I will leave this world in pieces
I will leave it to the scarab and the crows
Under seas and under soil
In a million years our bones will be your oil’
12 comments
Thank you for sharing that song. I’m listening to it as we speak and its absolutely bautiful. You should check out The Trapeze Swinger. It always makes me feel better when im down <3
Thank you for sharing that song. I’m listening to it as we speak and its absolutely bautiful. You should check out The Trapeze Swinger. It always makes me feel better when im down
Glad you liked it. Google is telling me The Trapeze Swinger is a song by Iron & Wine (think I’m vaguely familiar with them.) Is that the song you meant?
If so it’s very much my thing.
*beautiful
Those are some brutal lyrics, Husk. A bit comforting though, in a morbid way. Decomposition is a noble thing. I don’t know why our species has spent thousands of years trying to perfect means of preventing it.
I don’t mean to somehow invalidate your experiences but claiming to share in them. After all, everyone’s experiences are wholly unique to themselves, and the phrase “I know how you feel” is never truly accurate. I also really don’t want to draw attention to myself on your post. But reading this was so strange; it’s like I’m looking in a mirror.
This is the second or third time in a row that I’ve felt like this while reading one of your posts. Are we synced up or something?
You seem like an interesting person. Whats your story?
Oh wow, thanks. I’d be happy to talk to you, just not here. I don’t want to hijack husk’s post.
You’re free to email me, though. sanguinetrees @ gmail . com
@whiskered: yes, brutal lyrics, but in the context of the song they are comforting somehow. Makes me feel almost ok with how screwed everything is for a few short moments.
I think a lot of the things I write are very short on specifics. So it’s easier to relate to. Obviously our circumstances are very different.
That said, I guess we’re in a similar place emotionally, though for different reasons. That’s why I like reading and commenting on your posts.
*by* claiming to share in them, not “but”
FUCK YOU AUTOCORRECT. Changed the entire meaning of the sentence.
Sometimes, we need other people to get us out of that sabotaging loop you described. As you, most likely, know yourself, it’s almost impossible to get out of it alone.
Yes. Unfortunately, for reasons I won’t go into, I can’t really open up to anyone. So any help I seek from others is always partial, and based on an incomplete understanding of the real issues. I am alone.