December 1st, 2012
“Usually, if I would try talking to somebody they would laugh at me, yell, or call me an attention seeker. I hope it’s different on here
now I know there are many people that have way worse problems, but honestly my self confidence crumbles every single day. I started cutting myself about 2 days ago and have been hiding it ever since. In gym class, people laugh at me because I’m not athletic and I’ve always been insecure about my weight. 2 weeks ago, I tried starving myself. A kid at my lunch table almost caught onto me because he saw I wasn’t eating so I ate to avoid any suspicion, but still rarely eat. People will talk about me behind my back and that causes other people to judge me without even knowing me. I just started high school and it’s hard to continue with this. Both my parents work long hours and I rarely see them on the weekends and even if I do they ignore me. My sister has cut herself before, but she only did it for popularity. I honestly don’t know WHT to do… I feel so alone but I try and keep hope”
and I did keep hope.. More than 4 years later here I am. I fucking survived that place of hell called high school. More than that, I conquered it. I am a high school graduate.. It sounds so weird to say..
though my physical form survived, I can’t help but think about how i have changed so much yet changed so little. Obviously my depression is still with me. Mother and father do not know it’s still with me, nor would they care. I’m too good of an actor. Mother probably thinks I was “cured by God” or something.
All I know is this:
to all you sad and confused souls who want to find something to cling too, some sort of light to give you hope, what I learned is you can find it in yourself. I had to. No one would be my light. They didn’t care enough. And sometimes you just have to be your own light. You have to say to yourself “my depression, my past, my anger isn’t me”. Because I’m sure that if I would have had someone i would have turned out happier, but I would not have turned out stronger.
And all this time I was just a lost little boy who didn’t matter and didn’t think he ever would.
Well that little boy is scared and confused as all hell, and he is so so worried. But he is strong. And he will not give up.
Sometimes you have to be your own light.
With love,
Noah
3 comments
This was lovely, thank you.
You matter. There is someone waiting to meet you. You will change them in a profound way.
It is you in ten years. Keep walking forward. Keep loving. Be kind to youself.
Noah, you are awesome. Finding what I call ‘home’ within yourself.
I wish you could someday tell your parents how much you needed their love and support that wasn’t there. They sound like very selfish and self-absorbed people.
A great story thank you for sharing. I’m glad you where able to find the strength and resiliency to fight back and persevere. I’m sure with that positivity and light you’ll attract great people into your life. Keep at it and you’ll overcome any bumps or obstacles get into your path to a great future. You’ve already overcome one of the hardest, high school. Congratulations on that achievement!