I wish there was some consistency to my thinking. I’m so tired of trying to believe two contradictory things at once. How could I kill myself? How could I do that to my family, who’ve given so much for me? But then how could I not? How could I go on living with so much shame? How could I go on living with the knowledge of what I am? How can I go on living when it’s not within me to be content with reality?
To live or die is a choice. But I don’t know how to make that choice. There’s too many conflicting emotions and thoughts involved. I don’t know what I want to do. One moment I want to be strong and push it down for the sake of those who care about me. The next I want to give up. I just want it all to be over.
So I guess I’ll just keep clinging to the edge, until circumstances finally push me over. I won’t really live, or die. I’ll just be in limbo, wasting oxygen, making myself miserable.
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I think that I won’t help, but, the more you live, more difficult this choice will be, but in the other side, maybe you ,after chosen the death, would regret don’t living, cause, no one knows the after death.
I’m in a point, that everything that I feel is numbness, I think that I’m not alive anymore. I’m like a puppet, if god says, “go there” I just go… At this point is more easy to live, but you don’t feel happiness, and you can’t care about it at all.
I think that if you come to this, like me, you will be choicing death. I’m just preparing myself
I don’t even know what to say…reading this is like talking to myself…
Oh, I love analyzing thought dissonance, does this occur in your mind outside of suicidal motives?
I suppose so. I’m fairly conflicted about most of the things I think I want.
Indeed me as well. = *(