First, a random thought hit me late last night. Just, in my mind, I made peace with N.S. N.S. was a bully I went to school with. I remember him most when our class took a 4 day trip and he would say nasty things to me to embarrass me about being fat, ugly, or looking like a boy at every fucking opportunity in front of any stranger who could hear the insulting comments. I later learned that he died when we were 22. This would be around 2001-2002. Even later than that, I had seen a bunch of memorials and tributes to him online that talked about what a great guy he was, what a wonderful perfect citizen he was, star athlete in high school and blah, blah blah and it pissed me off. But over this summer, I’ve heard from just about everyone I went to school with over facebook and bullies and people who never even talked to me showed support for me being trans and it was just, strange. So it just hit me that if things can change that much, I can stop hating N.S. In fact, it should have been me that died at 22. I’m a nobody and not worth a shit. There wouldn’t be a damn thing online at all about my death if I had died instead of him. No one would have cared. I should be the dead one. 🙁