I lie here now shedding tears because a new day is beginning and I don’t want it to. I don’t belong here. People in my house get up and act happy and actually function. I stay in bed playing dead. I have no motivation or ambition to get up. For what? I don’t have a job because I can’t work. I don’t have the will to exercise anymore because I don’t care about jackshit. A plane could crash into my room like Donnie Darko and I would be thankful it’s finally over.
I’ve lost the will to live. I used to fight. I fought so hard, falsely believing things would change and they did for a while, but now I’m all the way back down in this deep darkness. I can’t get up. Tired of trying and failing. Trying and failing. Why couldn’t I be one of the normal ones? Instead doomed to going through life with suicidal thoughts 24/7 and seeing life for what it really is, absolutely pointless. People go through the motions of getting a car, buying a house, having kids, playing into society. Who gives a shit? They’re just trying to stay busy because if they stopped, they’d realize this is all meaningless.
I should have died so many times. Recently I was found face down in my room after drinking too much in my own piss and vomit. The combo of alcohol and benzos. I wasn’t trying to kill myself. That’s not enough to do it. I just overdid it, like I overdo everything. I tried a different drug I won’t mention here because I don’t want others to get addicted and this is one that has actually killed many people. It’s easy to OD and die on. Anyway, I overdid it and almost died. As much as I feel I want to die. I fought for my life. I tried to keep my body alive, pouring ice down my face and back. I’m not religious, but I paced the house stumbling and feeling my body shutting down and almost passing out repeating “God, help me PLEASE!” I said it over and over again until I was safe: God has saved my life more times than I deserve. There’s still something inside that wants me dead. The death grip is stronger than ever.
I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and I’m going to ask her to try Vyvanse. She knows I have trouble functioning and concentrating. It’s weaker and smoother than Aderall so at least I wouldn’t be asking for that. I just want a boost to help me out of bed and get me going. I can already see her saying “No”. She would rather see me dead than give me a simple drug that can save my life. I picture myself leaving the office crying my eyes out embarrassed and more suicidal than ever. Hopefully she’ll help. I don’t have any hope. No life. No nothing.
2 comments
Woah there, those things you mention normal people do are actually pretty difficult and big. Have you tried to think of a small thing you look forward to? Tiny, really small, kind of easy to accomplish. This is what works for me. My reason to live is so small it makes me laugh, but it kind of keeps me going through all the bs.
Don’t get me wrong please, but reading what you wrote awakened something in me… I can’t really explain what but it’s such a feeling… argh I wish I could describe it (nothing bad! It’s actually impressive)
I wish I could be there to help you and listen to you, sometimes people just need that. I send my best wishes for you.
You said what “normal” people do are pretty big and difficult. I actually would have considered myself more normal years ago when I could hold down a job and go to family events and function. It was a pain in the ass sometimes, but it wasn’t THAT difficult because I still had life in me and I still had hope and things I wanted to do and look forward to. I went from working a good job and having friends to becoming a recluse. The illness is winning and it’s not my time to go just yet. “God” is keeping me here for some reason, but I see NO reason to stay here. I couldn’t care less about how my family would feel if I died. I hardly talk to anyone anyway. I’m just tired of suffering and feeling like the family embarrassment at this point. I’ll never be what I used to be.
Thank you for commenting. Taking tiny steps helps. I fear it will not be enough though. Not enough compared to the working world and people who actually have lives. I just want to sleep now.