It’s funny, the things that can give you a feeling of peace with the world. The combinations of circumstances and thoughts that can come together to give you the sense that everything is ok. That’s happiness. And it may only last for a few moments, or hours, or days. But the memory of it spreads out over the rest of your life. And for a while, you can revisit that feeling, even when things are tough. It gives your life meaning. It makes you think that there’s something there worth striving for. That if you can get through this things will be good again.
But when you go a few years without having that feeling at all, the memories start to lose their significance. They no longer hold their glow. And the significance drains from your life. You can continue to go through the motions and pursue the same goals you had before. But there’s no peace at the end of it. There’s no sense that things will be ok then. That you will feel a sense of peace or contentment if you reach them. It’s just more stuff to fill your time with.
I want that sense of significance again. But I can’t. My thoughts have passed through a door I can’t return through. I don’t think there’s any way I can be ok with what I’ve seen of the world, and what I’ve learned about reality. So I’m just left going through the motions. And I don’t really want to do anything anymore. I just want to feel that sense of significance again. Just for a few hours. Maybe I should try drugs.
2 comments
I don’t know if drugs are the answer, you don’t want to get addicted. It’s sometimes hard to remember the last time you were happy or did anything to help. I’m an animal live and I try to volunteer at our local animal shelter and sometimes that helps for a while.
There’s a problem about Drugs you should consider: The effects of most of them depend on your mood while you take them, and there’s a high chance of a bad trip that will throw you in a deep hole of depression or damage your brain.
Also I’d recommend you to shut yourself of from opportunities to buy more if you try any drug, so in the worst case it’ll be harder for you to get/stay addicted when there’s only this one ‘testing dose’ in your world.
You could try to replicate the last moment you remember feeling content before you try the risky stuff. If there was someone else involved in that moment, go and meet that person, or try to find someone who knew that peron well (cause people die all the time and.. i really hope you didn’t loose your happiness because you lost someone). If it was at a place you remember, take a look how that place looks now.
I hope this helps a little bit.