I met someone on the Internet. I got depression, and she was so kind and perfect to me. She understood me like no one else. She loved me like no one else has ever done.
We loved the same hobbies. We loved the talking. We loved each other so much.
But she had BP (Borderline Personality). And we talked for months and she wouldn’t get too close.
She had this constant feeling that I would abandon her. She said she trusted me, but only had to go slow… because those are the feelings she said she always had about everyone. That people will end up disapointing her, and rejecting her and leaving her…(I never quite understood this… she is so smart and she is so beautiful) guess always had to do with her disorder.
She wanted to come and meet me, she always said…
I wouldn’t have the patience to go slow and we had an argument… (we talked for months, knew everything about each other but she wouldn’t move the relationship further out the internet yet)
I didn’t wait.
She disapeared suddenly (deleted her profile) without leaving a cellphone, a relative number, email, adress… anything.
I didn’t expect her to Vanish like that
Now I miss her. I can’t find her.
I tried everything to find her. To know where she lives (it’s a big city where she lives in)
Tried everything, everything, and then gave up.
I’ll never know how she is. I’ll never hear from her again. I’ll never see her again.
Only now I’ve read about BP. I understand her feelings. I know people with this disorder feel things wonderful or awful. True or false. There’s no gray, no gradual perspective. It’s either Black or White. They’re intense. And they live with this endless thought that will soon be betrayed, even from the loved ones.
I never meant to hurt her. But in the end I know she felt like I never liked her in first place or was never true to my feelings. And went away to never be found again…
I loved her, just the way she was. I still do…
If she only knew how much I love her…
Now I understand her better,
I want my love back
but it’s too late
Why haven’t I waited longer? Why Haven’t I been more patient?
I’ll never find anyone like her. Ever
Why am I so stupid? Why do I have to be this fuck up?
I must die
8 comments
You shouldn’t put so much blame on yourself. Yes, BP is characterized, among other things, by intense, and fluctuating, emotions, as well as intense attachments, and unstable relationships due to feelings of inadequacy and paranoia. However, a person is far more than just a personality disorder, and she had her own reasons for disappearing. She made the decision, and if you truly love her, which it seems so, you’d accept it. Go on with your life for her, and if she ever decides to contact you, she’ll do so.
Do you think there’s a chance she will contact me?
To be honest I have no idea, I don’t have any insight into her or the situation. Just keep the channels, you used to communicate with her in the past, open. If she wants to, she will be able to contact you.
Having borderline personality disorder, I understand. She abandoned you before you abandoned her. Not saying you would’ve abandoned her, but in her mind, it was coming so she left you first. Thinking someone will abandon you is self-sabotage. A person can say “I will never leave you” until their blue in the face, but we won’t believe you. We’re used to people leaving at some point and NOTHING can describe that kind of pain. It makes you want to kill yourself. The person who says “I will never leave you” usually leaves and you won’t be the same again because you trusted it and they left. How can you enjoy a relationship with the constant fear of someone leaving you? I don’t know how to get past that, but that’s also why I’m scared to fully give my heart to someone. Sorry that happened to you. I see her side too.
I blame myself, so much. I can’t sleep thinking about it. I dream about it. I wake up thinking. I had to start on meds again couse I couldn’t eat for days…
She had these ideas that I was talking to someone else better than her and was eventually gonna leave her. I waited for her online all day long just to talk to her, and that’s what she thought. She said she couldn’t avoid such thoughts. I always had to keep her calm.
Now I guess I confirmed that to her somehow… that was how looked like. That I was not interested anymore.. that’s why she left.
She used to cut herself
I think I hurt her. She was so sensitive. There’s no way of knowing how much I hurt her.
I cannot even Apologize. Or ever will…
I don’t know if she’s alive. If she hurted herself. I’ll never know if she’s ok
My life is ruined with guilty forever… I Lost it, forever. It’s gone.
I would hate myself, if I had the strenght. But I don’t…
I feel Dead… I just need some effort to end it all.
Thank you
I had a similar situation. she was perfect for me everything i loved she adored. i thought she understood me. i thought she loved me.
she like myself has bi polar. these kinds of relationships are always super intense. well for me it was. i still feel lost and like i need her more than anything. her touch. her kiss. but alas it was all bullshit and she went back to her ex. she was never mine.
i guess your situation is different i had a relationship with a bpd sufferer. it took her years to realize how good i can be. so who knows perhaps one day she’ll come back perhaps not. don’t bank on shit going your way. you gotta hedge your bets and feelings in life.
Thank you