Fuck.
Alright, I’m back. You know me, the girl that whines about her ex in almost every post. Back in July he sent me a text message, basically after 3 months of not having contact with him. It made me VERY anxious.
We had a wonderful relationship but it just collapsed near the end when I started showing how fucked up I really am. How I had trust issues and also anxiety issues that made me keep a distance from him. It drove him up the wall. He also has severe anxiety issues, probably more than me, having suffered with intense OCD for the majority of his life.
Anyway, going back to the text message in July. It made me really anxious to the point of me almost telling him that I want zero contact with him. I never told him though. I still imagine him as my future, my future husband, the man that I will have kids with, the man that I will grow old with.
So I decided to work on my relationship and communication skills. I’ve been trying to work on it for the past few weeks, so that when I did contact him, I would be ready and that it would work this time.
I send him a text message last night… he basically sends me one back saying that yes we can start talking more.
Tonight I try to talk to him more and he basically has a gigantic panic attack, telling me that I’m very bad for him, that he basically doesn’t want to be friends. OK. I KNEW THIS ALREADY!!! This is why we haven’t been in contact for 3 months, then why did he send me a message in July? Ugh. I felt bad for him though. I just…. didn’t know what to do. I told him that it’s okay, that we don’t have to know each other anymore, he basically says that’s too drastic and he just doesn’t want to talk to me on a regular basis.
I’m sitting here, 3 am, I don’t know what the fuck to do. I’m so tired of this. If I accept that it’s final, I just don’t know what I’ll do. I feel sick. I don’t feel suicidal, but I do feel like I’m losing control. I just…
I picture his side of things… and I just feel so bad. He’s right. We’re bad for each other. We’re… it’s just not good. But it WAS good. It really was the best relationship I have ever been in and I can’t even… I can’t help him. I can’t help myself. I want to save us. I want to save him. I want to hold him. I want him to hold me. But we cannot. We just can’t! What am I going to do? How can I live like this? I can’t…
I want everything to just be fixed. I hate life and that there isn’t just a magic reset button. I hate it so much.
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Ya know, I don’t feel suicidal, I feel numb and scared to fucking death when reality really sets in on me…. that this is it. It really seems like this is over. What AM I GOING TO DO!!!!???
How do people survive this?????? I cannot do this again. I just want to be alone for the rest of my life now.
I feel so alone.
My next therapy session isn’t until the 18th…
I can’t imagine what he’s going through right now. I sent him another text message telling him that I hope he sleeps okay and not to worry.. that everything is okay.. that he doesn’t have to feel bad.
I hate this.
What do you mean by “How do people survive this?”
I just mean… survive break ups. I know, I’m being dramatic. My first relationship, I thought he was the one, too. But that time, I had a much better recovery… this time… it’s just too intense.
Well to recover from a breakup, i guess you would actually have to admit to youraelf that its over. From this post and comments, it seems more like you are stuck in limbo waiting to get back together. You aren’t going to move on as long as you are picturing youraelf getting married, having kids, growing old together with this guy.
You are just going to be stuck in limbo until you either get back together, or admit you are not getting back together. The friendship thing is just torturing yourself. Since clearly you both still have too much unresolved emotion for that.
Breaking up is painful. The time/effort/feelings/trust/hope/etc. you place into that person ends up feeling like a waste. And if you’re a believer of the first love then it makes it all the more difficult to let go. It’s often times just that individual chasing for a phantom of the ideology of seeming perfection. Phantoms hardly materialize though. I think the reason why most break ups end up with both parties removing the other person in their life is for both parties to move on. To leave the past in the past and not try to revive ghosts. If both you and he conclude that the relationship isn’t good for either of you then it may well be better to end it completely. For both you and him. That is just my take. (It may be painful for now but it is for the future but that future may honestly never come if you don’t let other’s have a try too. It’s a gamble either way you choose.)
Hey claritee it’s been a while ……I’m going threw a break up as well. Tbh I have no idea how people move on I can’t tell you what to do . but do know how feel on how you just want to be alone forever now. But I’m sure there is some one better out there who will make you even more happy and will be your husband and the father of you kids .
Things some times don’t work out for a reason .
Kupo – I’m sorry you’re also going through a break up. Don’t make my mistakes and keep going back to each other. I laid in bed til 7am and just thought about how it’s probably for the best. I hate it so much though. I’m just going to let it go. I cannot get him out of my mind… the way he just… had so much anxiety spill out over the mere idea of us talking again. I don’t want him to be that unhappy. I just cannot stand the idea of it. If I make him like that… then it’s better he doesn’t know me at all.
Fishythefish & anhedonic apathy – Thanks for your replies, you both are right.
Strangely… I feel OK right now. It’s because of his reaction I think. I feel as if… I finally have a good reason for us not to be together. If that makes sense. Before, it was all about him wanting me and me sensing that something was wrong and me pulling away, this time it’s him. We both don’t need each other. Reality is setting in.